Month: April 2008

Sweeter Words Have Never Been Written

Written on an envelope (from our leasing office) placed outside my neighbor’s door: “Before you go, here’s everything you need for an easy move.”

Hazzah!

Before too much time passes, let me please register the following ten demands for my replacement neighbor.

1. They must know how to operate keys and doorknobs, so it will not be necessary to stand in the hallway screaming for someone to let them in.

2. They must not feel it necessary to visit with every single one of their friends (and their friends’ friends) every single Friday and/or Saturday night. Alternatively, if these visits are required, they must have fewer than three friends and dislike alcohol.

3. They must consider it poor taste to leave bags of garbage in the hall outside their apartment. As an optional bonus, they should also consider it inappropriate to leave bags of garbage in the hall inside their apartment.

4. They must further understand how a garbage chute works, and in particular that one neither saves time nor achieves the goal of properly disposing of trash when one leaves a bag on the floor in front of the chute.

5. They must not, under any circumstances, set the building on fire again.

6. They must either appreciate or ignore a gift of baked goods at Christmas time. Stealing the batch made for the entire floor first thing in the morning (especially when also stealing the Tupperware) is not acceptable.

7. They must be able to tell time at least well enough to predict what time their clothes will be done drying based on the countdown displayed prominently on the front of the machine. Forcing someone else to remove their underwear (albeit clean underwear) from the dryer twenty-four hours after it finishes drying is not acceptable.

8. They must not repeatedly break up with their boyfriends in the hallway outside my door where I can hear every single word. If it’s necessary to break up with their boyfriends, they must do it from another location – preferably their own apartment, which, in accordance with #1 above, they will know how to enter.

9. They must not, during the Boston Marathon, call out any words that rhyme with “witch” when female runners pass by, even if they are preceded by the phrase, “keep running.” The word “rich” in very select sentences may be permitted, as the prize for winning the marathon is $150,000 and that may be strong encouragement.

10. They must take us on outings, give us treats. Sing songs, bring sweets. Never be cross or cruel. Never give us castor oil or gruel.

Sincerely,
Jane and Michael Banks

P.S. It wouldn’t hurt if they were uglier than me.

It’s Strangely Weird and Weirdly Strange

Dear Netflix,

The first time you tried to deliver “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium” (which was supposed to be nothing more than a casual way to spend a Wednesday evening), you mistakenly sent me a video on cancer research instead.

When I reported it, you more than made up for the error, exhibiting excellent customer service practices that left me thoroughly impressed.

“We are sorry for any inconvenience this has caused and have issued a 5% credit to your account. You don’t need to do anything. The credit will be automatically applied to your next billing statement.”

Very well done. I didn’t complain – I never even spoke with a human – and you offered compensation for your error. The correct movie showed up on Friday.

Then, when everything was perfectly well resolved, you flipped the whole thing around 540°. Yes, 540°. You shipped me another copy of the same DVD. My “At Home” list now reads:

1. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
2. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
3. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium

I was only mildly interested in seeing this movie in the first place… and I’m pretty sure I don’t need three copies of it.

Though I admit it’s very funny when the kid says, “The store is undergoing a little difficulty right now. Please leave through the front door calm and orderly. (beat) And maybe try to avoid the slimy girl!”

In conclusion, in the future I’d appreciate you sending me three different DVDs at a time.

Sincerely,
Amused But Unimpressed

Free Shipping, Free Time Machine

People have gotten dumber since the last time I tried buying tickets on eBay.

Take, for instance, lmhjnd, who lists an item as “Jerry Seinfeld Tickets – FRONT ROW” and then admits they’re really in row P.  Row P.  Row P is behind an aisle… and twenty other rows.  Awesome.

My favorite so far, though, is akillie, who offers two Orchestra tickets in an auction that ends 2.5 hours after the show starts.  Which is basically when the show is over.  You really haven’t thought this through at all.

Chicken! Egg! Chicken! Egg! Tradition!

“Mom?” “Yes.” “Nothing.”

“What is it, baby?” “Well, it’s just that wouldn’t it be great if mattresses had spaces for your arm, so that when you rolled onto your side, you could fit just right?” “That would be nice.” “And good for your back, probably, because it would let your spine be straight, which I know is important.” “That is important.” “Also, it would make snuggling easier. You know how that arm constantly gets in the way?” “I do.” “And making snuggling easier is important.” “Very.”

– Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

This, of course, is drawn out in xkcd.

The Fifth! The Fifth! For the Love of Freedom, Invoke the Fifth!

Woman #1: “Well, the lady owes me $20. I gave her a 20 and she didn’t give me nothin’. I gave her a $20 bill.”

Cop: “For what?”

Woman #1: “For anything! I don’t care whatever it’s for, but she can give me my money back if she ain’t gonna do nothin’ with it.”

Cop: “Okay, were you planning to buy some drugs?”

Woman #1: “Yes, I was!”

Cop: “What kind of drugs were you wanting to buy?”

Woman #1: “A rock!”

Cop: “So now you want your $20 back because she didn’t supply you with crack cocaine?”

Cop (to supposed thief): “What’s goin’ on?”

Woman #2: “She came around here a while ago. There used to be some people who lived right over there who used to sell. We were sittin’ out here on the porch on some chairs so she said, ‘Y’all have anything to sell?’ and I said ‘No, we don’t have nothin’ to sell’ so she left and went around the corner. Then she came back ten minutes later, hollering, ‘Give me my money back!’ I said, ‘No, you ain’t bought nothin’ from here. Don’t disrespect my child! This is my child! I don’t sell crack! I’m a prostitute!”

Maybe It’s Indigestion

Cop:  “What’s his relationship to you?”

Husband:  “He’s her ex-lover.  I’m married to her now.”

Cop:  “Let me explain something here.  You’ve got a husband here.  You’ve got a boyfriend.  You need to make a decision: it’s either the husband or the boyfriend or neither.”

Woman: “It’s gonna be… both!  You can have two people at once.”

Cop:  “Then somebody’s gonna end up going to jail.  Do you understand that?”

Woman:   “Yes.  But, see, there’s one thing.  My husband loves me.  And my boyfriend loves me.  Okay?  But my husband loves me more than my boyfriend.”

Scintillating Synopses of Tantalizing Television Trafficking

“This retrospective features classic COPS car chases, super-inebriated suspects, sizzling tasers, disheartening domestics, problematic perps, and gutsy officers from coast to coast.  You have the right to remain amazed by this commemorative anniversary special.”

– Synopsis of an episode of COPS

As Albert Brooks says in Broadcast News (from James L. Brooks’ script) “A lot of alliteration from anxious anchors placed in powerful posts!”