Never Date a Client?

Dear Google,

When a client sends me an e-mail canceling a scheduled requirements-gathering meeting and recommending a new date, the following is not considered a relevant or appropriate ad to put at the top of the page:

“How To Get Her Back – – Get Her Back Fast – Proven Approach She Can’t Resist.”


Capable of Scheduling Meetings in Boston

Role Model

From our course descriptions:

“Explores the way various cultures shape the lives and social development of children. Topics include cultural concepts of childhood; the acquisition of culture; socialization and moral development; cognition, emotion, and behavior in childhood; children’s language and play; and the cultural shaping of personality. Hefner. 4 either sem.”

An Honest Crook

Guy:  “I don’t break the law.  If I do, it’s for good reason.”

Cop:  “What kind of reason would it be for?”

Guy:  “I don’t know, probably steal somebody’s guns that ain’t police officers.”

Cop:  “So you steal people’s guns?”

Guy:  “Yeah, I do that a lot!”

– Cops

These are Not the Muffins You’re Looking For

Peapod doesn’t always have the items ordered in stock. In their defense, it’s uncommon in my experience, but it happens. They list these items at the top of every receipt so they’re easy to find.

From my last receipt:

“Out of Stock
The Bake Shop Muffins Blueberry Mini – 12 ct ($0.00)
The Bake Shop Muffins Chocolate Chip Mini – 12 ct
Substituted The Bake Shop Muffins Blueberry Mini – 12 ct”

While technically still accurate, it doesn’t instill me with a lot of confidence.

Bank Error in Your Favor

I’ve just reconciled my bank statement from December against my receipts, and found a mismatch from a meal at a chain restaurant.

I suspected at first that a dishonest server had raised the tip amount, hoping I’d never consult my statement. Not so. On closer inspection, I discovered they’d just eliminated the tip entirely, billing only the cost of the meal.

Sealing up my amusement was the realization that my tip was only 10% in the first place.  I always tip well, so this suggests the service (which I do not remember at all, apparently) was so terrible it deserved special penalty.  It’s appropriate that the server was then so incompetent as to incorrectly process the check, and thereby forfeit the entire amount.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

On the one hand, I wrote down the wrong address for the Music Box Theatre, where Aaron Sorkin’s play (“The Farnsworth Invention“) is running on Broadway. I feel appropriately silly for hailing a cab to go three blocks, only to end up two minutes late anyway.

Now I have to go again, just to see the beginning of the play.

However, I redeemed myself by appearing so familiar with my surroundings in New York throughout the day that no fewer than four people separately stopped me to ask for directions. I answered all four correctly.

1. “Where’s the zoo?” – from just north of the zoo in Central Park.

2. “Where’s Broadway?” – standing in the middle of Times Square. Dude, even if you’re from West Nowhereville, Montana, it’s Times Square. You can find Broadway with a blindfold. You’re on it.

3. “Where’s the Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts?” – I should get major points for this one, even if I couldn’t name the exact subway line that stops there

4. “I know we’re at 42nd and Eighth, but where does the bus to the airport stop?” – again, I should get some huge points for pinpointing the exact part of the intersection where the bus stops. That’s not something you get off a map.

Now we just have to stop to reflect on how many things are wrong in the universe when I can pass for a New York City directions-giver. I think it’s the white cashmere scarf and the briefcase that really did the trick.

Office Pagination

Since I began working here, I’ve received occasional voice mail messages from someone, all saying essentially, “This is Frank. I got paged here. Call me back.”

Now, I have absolutely no idea who Frank is, and I have never paged anybody in my entire life.

If I ever spoke to Frank myself I could assure him that I will never page him for any reason, so he can safely ignore “me” from now on. However, these pages only ever seem to reach him when I’m out of my office. Sometimes it’s lunch, sometimes a meeting, sometimes I’m just in another office, but it’s always, always, a voice mail.

So the question is: how many times does this have to happen before I begin to suspect someone’s been playing a very poorly executed prank on Frank and me for a couple years?