Super Zombie Strippers

This is an actual blurb Comcast offers describing one of the movies available to watch free in the On Demand listings:

Bloody mayhem in the Champagne Room. In the near future, a secret government reanimation virus is released, and lands in a strip club. The virus spreads, creating Super Zombie Strippers. TV Premiere

Jenna Jameson, Robert Englund

I can’t tell if that’s horrifying or awesome.

“Compensation” for Services Rendered

I spent a short while watching Craigslist for website “gigs” — people who just need quick help putting together a website. I gave up after I got to this ad:

PLEASE help me “create” a school transcript ASAP

I need a transcript constructed that looks as official as possible from my school. I need it to show that I got all A’s and B’s on the classes that I enrolled in and subsequently did not attend in favor of working on my blossoming career in show bid’ness.

If it is done properly, I can promise you that the “compensation” will be more than adequate!

I find having the word “compensation” in quotes to be the most alarming.

Reporting as Ordered?

It may be time to start telling some stories from the trial where I served as a juror last year. Here was one of my favorite moments from one day’s testimony:

Prosecutor: Your honor, the government calls Robert Smith.

(A man walks up to the witness stand, turns to face the courtroom, and raises his right hand.)

Courtroom Manager: Do you swear the testimony you’re about to give will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Witness: I do.


Prosecutor: (confused) Umm… your honor?  I don’t think this is our witness.  I mean… that isn’t Robert Smith…

Judge: (to the witness) What’s your name?

Witness: (brightly) Jacob Mitchell!

Judge: You’re excused.

That was the first and last time we ever saw Mr. Mitchell. He hadn’t just entered out of sequence; he was never called as a witness for either side. One might suppose he had walked into the wrong courtroom, but all jurors have to check in with a bailiff to get into the building, and the bailiff that morning had specifically commented that we were the only sitting jury in the courthouse all day.

Perhaps Mr. Mitchell just woke up that morning and thought, “I think I’ll go tell the truth about some stuff today.”

Obesity’s Beginnings

I stopped at a local coffee shop to get breakfast this morning, and at first was the only customer inside. A skinny man walked in behind me and had this exchange with the staff:

Man: I’d like a dozen bagels.

Clerk #1: That’ll be $8.50

Clerk #2: (starting to grab bagels) Is this for here or to go?

Nope. I’m just really hungry. Here’s your sign.

Federated Republic of Colorado?

I’ve been looking for a map of Colorado, and this is the one Amazon recommended for me:

The Other Colorado

The Other Colorado

First, hasn’t Colorado historically been a bit… squarer? Second, what aspects of a map make “Home, Garden & Pets” an appropriate category? And third, how large is this map that it costs $117?