[bobbojones@PRODUCTION calendar] > select * from nodes limit 1;

| id | name      | description                 |
| 35 | Snausages | Usually served in a blanket |
1 row in set (0.00 sec)

I’m not sure I want to know.

I Have a Idea for Cutting Fuel Costs

Dear Peapod,

You just e-mailed me a summary of my “order.” It reads:

Subtotal: $0.00
Tax: $0.00
Delivery Fee: $9.95
Fuel Surcharge: $0.48
Total: $10.43

I agree fully that I’ve ordered nothing, so my subtotal and tax are correct. However, I request that you do not assess a fuel surcharge or delivery fee while not delivering anything.

Shopping the Old Fashioned Way This Week

(No, they didn’t actually charge me anything; it was just a funny invoice.)

Two IS The Loneliest Number

Some people bemoan not having a date on Valentine’s Day.

Then there’s the woman who collects bottles from recycling bins on the streets of Brighton, who today acquired an unwanted companion… who kept stealing her reclaimed bottles.

There.  I bet nobody’s sad about not having shoes now, are they.

I Never Liked This Floor Anyway

“OooOOOOop, OoooOOOOop, OooOOOOop!  Attention please!  The signal tone you have just heard indicates a report of an emergency in this building.  If the evacuation alarm on your floor follows this message, leave the building immediately.  Occupants on other floors, remain where you are, and await further instructions.”

And then… silence.

So on the one hand, I’m in a burning building.  But on the other hand, my floor isn’t on fire, so nothing can possibly go wrong.

For the record, as much as I trust the judgment of trained firefighters, watching them uncoil hoses and raise a ladder way the heck up the side of my building while I watch from my balcony, which I’ve been told not to leave, does not instill me with a great sense of comfort and safety.

This also reminds me of the Friends episode “The One With the Candy Hearts” where firemen tell the girls, “This isn’t the first boyfriend bonfire that we’ve seen get out of control.  You’re our third call tonight.  Valentine’s Day is our busiest night of the year.”

A Tale of Keys

The following occurred at 10:21 this morning. Identifying details have been changed to protect the innocent.

10 rows in set (22.95 sec)

| Field      | Type    | Null | Key | Default | Extra |
| ...        | int(11) | YES  |     | NULL    |       |
| ...        | int(11) | YES  |     | NULL    |       |

2 rows in set (0.01 sec)

Query OK, 784 rows affected (0.43 sec)
Records: 784 Duplicates: 0 Warnings: 0

10 rows in set (0.09 sec)

I Can Name that Donna in Three Words

Two things on television (as portrayed by my computer) made me happy today.

  1. “House” is back, with a brand new episode
  2. Ms. Janel Moloney, of Donnatella Moss fame, is the patient

“It seems that quite a few of you, for instance, like how Dan and I dress on the air, and you should know that we’re dressed by Maurine Gates and Joseph Revetto (sp?).  Maurine and Joseph are assisted by a young woman named Monica Brazelton, and Monica is not to be trifled with.” – Sports Night, 1:11.

How to Get Dumped in One Easy Step

Here is an actual e-mail I just received from a popular web hosting provider.

“… Want to give your sweetheart something creative this Valentine’s Day?”

Stop right there.  Just stop.   Do not even think of going on to suggest that I should get my hypothetical sweetheart a nice web hosting package for Valentine’s Day.