The Fifth! The Fifth! For the Love of Freedom, Invoke the Fifth!

Woman #1: “Well, the lady owes me $20. I gave her a 20 and she didn’t give me nothin’. I gave her a $20 bill.”

Cop: “For what?”

Woman #1: “For anything! I don’t care whatever it’s for, but she can give me my money back if she ain’t gonna do nothin’ with it.”

Cop: “Okay, were you planning to buy some drugs?”

Woman #1: “Yes, I was!”

Cop: “What kind of drugs were you wanting to buy?”

Woman #1: “A rock!”

Cop: “So now you want your $20 back because she didn’t supply you with crack cocaine?”

Cop (to supposed thief): “What’s goin’ on?”

Woman #2: “She came around here a while ago. There used to be some people who lived right over there who used to sell. We were sittin’ out here on the porch on some chairs so she said, ‘Y’all have anything to sell?’ and I said ‘No, we don’t have nothin’ to sell’ so she left and went around the corner. Then she came back ten minutes later, hollering, ‘Give me my money back!’ I said, ‘No, you ain’t bought nothin’ from here. Don’t disrespect my child! This is my child! I don’t sell crack! I’m a prostitute!”

Maybe It’s Indigestion

Cop:  “What’s his relationship to you?”

Husband:  “He’s her ex-lover.  I’m married to her now.”

Cop:  “Let me explain something here.  You’ve got a husband here.  You’ve got a boyfriend.  You need to make a decision: it’s either the husband or the boyfriend or neither.”

Woman: “It’s gonna be… both!  You can have two people at once.”

Cop:  “Then somebody’s gonna end up going to jail.  Do you understand that?”

Woman:   “Yes.  But, see, there’s one thing.  My husband loves me.  And my boyfriend loves me.  Okay?  But my husband loves me more than my boyfriend.”

Scintillating Synopses of Tantalizing Television Trafficking

“This retrospective features classic COPS car chases, super-inebriated suspects, sizzling tasers, disheartening domestics, problematic perps, and gutsy officers from coast to coast.  You have the right to remain amazed by this commemorative anniversary special.”

– Synopsis of an episode of COPS

As Albert Brooks says in Broadcast News (from James L. Brooks’ script) “A lot of alliteration from anxious anchors placed in powerful posts!”

And Your Bike is Just Like a Subway Car, Only Smaller

A woman ran onto my LIRR train on Saturday, pushing a very young (one year old?) child in a stroller.  She parked the stroller by the window initially, but then suddenly thought better and mentioned – to herself, to her daughter, or to nobody in particular – “I should point her away from the window.  We learned today she does not like trains.”

The little girl played contentedly (or at least quietly – enough that I paid her no attention at all)  as we pulled out of Penn Station and inched forward underground.  Then sure enough, the very moment we emerged into the daylight and she saw the scenery passing by the window she started crying.

“It’s okay, Cindy,” her mother reassured, “it’s just like a subway!  It’s just a subway that’s outside, that’s all.”  The kid actually stopped crying!

I can understand how a kid from anywhere else, accustomed to ordinary trains, might be frightened to go underground, where it’s dark and noisy and scary.  In this world, trains are supposed to run underground, and when they come to the surface something has gone terribly wrong.

I love this city!