Quotes

Acting!

Rob Reiner: “Jack Nicholson himself – I’ll never forget this – when we did the courtroom scene, when Jack has that famous monologue (‘You can’t handle the truth!’) we did that scene from maybe 15 different angles before we got to him and Jack was off camera for all of these and he said he wanted to do his last. In other words, he wanted us to come around and shoot him after having shot everybody else because it would give him a chance to keep working at it.

“Now, in doing his off-camera performance for everybody else’s reaction he did it full out – every single time, full out.

“And I said, ‘Jack, save a little – save it for the time you’re gonna be on camera….’ And he says:

“‘Rob, you don’t understand. I’m an actor. I love to act, and this is a rare time when I’ve gotten really good material so I can act.'”

Mommy, My Drugs Smell

“My avatar’s dressed like a whore.” – Tina Fey, of Rock Band (the PS3 game) in Baby Mama.

Now, in the words of Nurse Roberts in My T.C.W., “Mmm.  Good show today.”

First, let’s consider the girl standing next to me on the T who spent the whole ride griping (on the phone) that her Navy boyfriend won’t tell her where he’s going on the boat.  (Note: “boat” not “ship”)  Sure, he doesn’t actually know where they’re going, ’cause the Navy doesn’t advertise the location of its fleet to anybody who asks, but that doesn’t make it any more acceptable that she doesn’t know.

Second, let’s recognize the homeless guy who called me a cracker.  Yeah.  Seriously.  He also observed that I think my drugs don’t smell.  I don’t have any idea what that means, but based on his inflection I infer it’s bad.  It would apparently be preferable if I thought my drugs smelled.  (This, incidentally, was in response to my horrific rudeness in not pounding his offered fist.)

Chicken! Egg! Chicken! Egg! Tradition!

“Mom?” “Yes.” “Nothing.”

“What is it, baby?” “Well, it’s just that wouldn’t it be great if mattresses had spaces for your arm, so that when you rolled onto your side, you could fit just right?” “That would be nice.” “And good for your back, probably, because it would let your spine be straight, which I know is important.” “That is important.” “Also, it would make snuggling easier. You know how that arm constantly gets in the way?” “I do.” “And making snuggling easier is important.” “Very.”

– Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

This, of course, is drawn out in xkcd.

The Fifth! The Fifth! For the Love of Freedom, Invoke the Fifth!

Woman #1: “Well, the lady owes me $20. I gave her a 20 and she didn’t give me nothin’. I gave her a $20 bill.”

Cop: “For what?”

Woman #1: “For anything! I don’t care whatever it’s for, but she can give me my money back if she ain’t gonna do nothin’ with it.”

Cop: “Okay, were you planning to buy some drugs?”

Woman #1: “Yes, I was!”

Cop: “What kind of drugs were you wanting to buy?”

Woman #1: “A rock!”

Cop: “So now you want your $20 back because she didn’t supply you with crack cocaine?”

Cop (to supposed thief): “What’s goin’ on?”

Woman #2: “She came around here a while ago. There used to be some people who lived right over there who used to sell. We were sittin’ out here on the porch on some chairs so she said, ‘Y’all have anything to sell?’ and I said ‘No, we don’t have nothin’ to sell’ so she left and went around the corner. Then she came back ten minutes later, hollering, ‘Give me my money back!’ I said, ‘No, you ain’t bought nothin’ from here. Don’t disrespect my child! This is my child! I don’t sell crack! I’m a prostitute!”

Maybe It’s Indigestion

Cop:  “What’s his relationship to you?”

Husband:  “He’s her ex-lover.  I’m married to her now.”

Cop:  “Let me explain something here.  You’ve got a husband here.  You’ve got a boyfriend.  You need to make a decision: it’s either the husband or the boyfriend or neither.”

Woman: “It’s gonna be… both!  You can have two people at once.”

Cop:  “Then somebody’s gonna end up going to jail.  Do you understand that?”

Woman:   “Yes.  But, see, there’s one thing.  My husband loves me.  And my boyfriend loves me.  Okay?  But my husband loves me more than my boyfriend.”

Scintillating Synopses of Tantalizing Television Trafficking

“This retrospective features classic COPS car chases, super-inebriated suspects, sizzling tasers, disheartening domestics, problematic perps, and gutsy officers from coast to coast.  You have the right to remain amazed by this commemorative anniversary special.”

– Synopsis of an episode of COPS

As Albert Brooks says in Broadcast News (from James L. Brooks’ script) “A lot of alliteration from anxious anchors placed in powerful posts!”

Whereas I Only Comprehend It

Teacher: “You are supposed to be doing a packet, not dismantling your pen.”

Student: “But I’m not dismantling it – I’m taking it apart!”

Teacher: “‘Dismantling’ and ‘taking apart’ are synonyms – they mean the same thing.”

Student: “Yes, but I understand ‘taking apart.'”

– Sixth Grade Interaction