People have gotten dumber since the last time I tried buying tickets on eBay.
Take, for instance, lmhjnd, who lists an item as “Jerry Seinfeld Tickets – FRONT ROW” and then admits they’re really in row P. Row P. Row P is behind an aisle… and twenty other rows. Awesome.
My favorite so far, though, is akillie, who offers two Orchestra tickets in an auction that ends 2.5 hours after the show starts. Which is basically when the show is over. You really haven’t thought this through at all.
“Mom?” “Yes.” “Nothing.”
“What is it, baby?” “Well, it’s just that wouldn’t it be great if mattresses had spaces for your arm, so that when you rolled onto your side, you could fit just right?” “That would be nice.” “And good for your back, probably, because it would let your spine be straight, which I know is important.” “That is important.” “Also, it would make snuggling easier. You know how that arm constantly gets in the way?” “I do.” “And making snuggling easier is important.” “Very.”
– Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
This, of course, is drawn out in xkcd.
Woman #1: “Well, the lady owes me $20. I gave her a 20 and she didn’t give me nothin’. I gave her a $20 bill.”
Cop: “For what?”
Woman #1: “For anything! I don’t care whatever it’s for, but she can give me my money back if she ain’t gonna do nothin’ with it.”
Cop: “Okay, were you planning to buy some drugs?”
Woman #1: “Yes, I was!”
Cop: “What kind of drugs were you wanting to buy?”
Woman #1: “A rock!”
Cop: “So now you want your $20 back because she didn’t supply you with crack cocaine?”
Cop (to supposed thief): “What’s goin’ on?”
Woman #2: “She came around here a while ago. There used to be some people who lived right over there who used to sell. We were sittin’ out here on the porch on some chairs so she said, ‘Y’all have anything to sell?’ and I said ‘No, we don’t have nothin’ to sell’ so she left and went around the corner. Then she came back ten minutes later, hollering, ‘Give me my money back!’ I said, ‘No, you ain’t bought nothin’ from here. Don’t disrespect my child! This is my child! I don’t sell crack! I’m a prostitute!”
Cop: “What’s his relationship to you?”
Husband: “He’s her ex-lover. I’m married to her now.”
Cop: “Let me explain something here. You’ve got a husband here. You’ve got a boyfriend. You need to make a decision: it’s either the husband or the boyfriend or neither.”
Woman: “It’s gonna be… both! You can have two people at once.”
Cop: “Then somebody’s gonna end up going to jail. Do you understand that?”
Woman: “Yes. But, see, there’s one thing. My husband loves me. And my boyfriend loves me. Okay? But my husband loves me more than my boyfriend.”
“This retrospective features classic COPS car chases, super-inebriated suspects, sizzling tasers, disheartening domestics, problematic perps, and gutsy officers from coast to coast. You have the right to remain amazed by this commemorative anniversary special.”
– Synopsis of an episode of COPS
As Albert Brooks says in Broadcast News (from James L. Brooks’ script) “A lot of alliteration from anxious anchors placed in powerful posts!”
TIME Magazine listed the top 25 blogs of 2008. They included Indexed, and described a sample post: “(Venn diagram) Three circles marked ‘wealth’ ‘comfort’ and ‘privilege’ intersect at ‘ennui'”
It actually says, in writing, “Venn diagram.” They may be kinda missing the point
A woman ran onto my LIRR train on Saturday, pushing a very young (one year old?) child in a stroller. She parked the stroller by the window initially, but then suddenly thought better and mentioned – to herself, to her daughter, or to nobody in particular – “I should point her away from the window. We learned today she does not like trains.”
The little girl played contentedly (or at least quietly – enough that I paid her no attention at all) as we pulled out of Penn Station and inched forward underground. Then sure enough, the very moment we emerged into the daylight and she saw the scenery passing by the window she started crying.
“It’s okay, Cindy,” her mother reassured, “it’s just like a subway! It’s just a subway that’s outside, that’s all.” The kid actually stopped crying!
I can understand how a kid from anywhere else, accustomed to ordinary trains, might be frightened to go underground, where it’s dark and noisy and scary. In this world, trains are supposed to run underground, and when they come to the surface something has gone terribly wrong.
I love this city!
Dear Boston Ballet,
You keep sending me postcards inviting me to upcoming performances – Romeo and Juliet, Next Generation, and Swan Lake so far this year. “Buy your ticket today,” you encourage me. That’s so thoughtful! You assume since I’ve attended performances in the past I might again in the future, and remind me in case I’ve forgotten to get tickets.
However, you have failed to consider that people who have attended performances in the past often do again in the future. That’s right: the very foundation of your marketing campaign is also its demise. I already have tickets to all the performances you’re encouraging me to attend. You could save paper by putting these ads on the backs of the tickets themselves, so after they arrive I can be reminded to buy them.
Or, you could take the time when compiling your mailing list to remove the names of people who already have tickets to the things you’re advertising. This will keep you from looking stupid.
Sincerely,
Your Patron
I was just renewing my lease when I noticed this ad for a new building in Boston:
“Limited time Offer!
“Lease one of our brand-new apartments before March 31st, 2008 and receive up to ONE MONTH FREE! That’s a potential value up to $9,120! So you better hurry, this offer won’t last.”
By getting a single month free the savings are up to $9,120? Is this ad supposed to make me want to live there? I don’t know that much about math, but I’m pretty sure even with the one free month I’d still be spending $100,320 on rent next year. I don’t make $100,320 in a year, so that would be problematic.
“Dear Residents,
“… We are notifying all residents on your floor of a series of complaints we have received regarding an unusual odor. At this time we are unable to identify which apartment the odor is coming from and, as a result, feel it is important to heighten everyone’s awareness to bring about improvement.
“A smoke odor has been detected that is not related to cigarette, cigar, or cooking smoke. The odor is creating concern that perhaps an illegal substance is being smoked in an apartment.”