Associated Press vs. The Onion

The Associated Press reported this morning:

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. — NASA called off the launch of space shuttle Discovery for a second time yesterday after a critical fuel valve failed to work properly.

Launch officials halted the countdown midway through the fueling process.  The seven astronauts had not yet boarded the shuttle for today’s scheduled early-morning flight to the international space station.

“Drats!” said astronaut Jose Hernandez in a Twitter update.

Drats indeed.  Toto, we’re not in 1969 anymore.

Optimus Aux

I just learned about the Optimus Aux, and I already don’t know how I live without one.  It’s an auxiliary keyboard, where every button has an Organic Light-Emitting Diode (OLED) screen that can display an image customized to its programmed function.

Optimus Aux

Optimus Aux

The price I’ve seen rumored is $650, or about $43 per button.  It’s also not out yet.

Rich Girl

Pop singers really need to stop remixing Broadway music into pop songs.  I woke up yesterday to hear someone — Gwen Stefani, it turned out — singing these lyrics to the tune of If I Were a Rich Man from Fiddler on the Roof:

If I was a rich girl — na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
See, I’d have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl

This overly excited departure from Zero Mostel’s impoverished and weary Tevye was already disorienting to hear first thing in the morning.  It reminded me immediately of 1998, when rapper Jay Z remixed Hard Knock Life into a hip hop tune, thus taking me entirely by surprise when my rap-loving coworkers of the day loved the song without having any idea of its origin.

Irked by this latest Broadway reuse, I took the time to read the rest of Stefani’s lyrics online.  I wish I hadn’t.

In Fiddler on the Roof, the song is Tevye’s lament that, while it’s no shame being poor, he wouldn’t mind too terribly having some money.  Though he dreams first of an impractically ostentatious house with “one long staircase just going up, and one even longer coming down,” he reveals by the end what he would really do with his hypothetical fortune:

If I were rich I’d have the time that I lack
To sit in the synagogue and pray
And maybe have a seat by the eastern wall.
And I’d discuss the holy books with the learned men,
Several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

All he really wants is the luxury to sit quietly, studying and praying.  What, by contrast, does Ms. Stefani (who, incidentally, has sold 40 million records) want?

No man could test me
Impress me
My cash flow would never ever end
Cause I’d have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl

Moving.

Things to Sell on Google

Google’s “auto complete” recommendations are getting increasingly absurd, even if they do conform perfectly to real people’s searches.

Today, when I wanted to find a good place to sell my 12-channel audio mixer, I started my search with the word “sell” and Google jumped in with a few ideas for what I might need.

Things People Sell Online

Things People Sell Online

Naturally, “sell textbooks online” and “selling on eBay” are popular search choices.  “Sell gold” has also gained popularity recently, to the point that airports and train stations in Germany have vending machines selling gold wafers.

“Sell WoW account” is a bit surprising (perhaps World of Warcraft is losing popularity as people can no longer afford the monthly fee), but it’s “selling virginity” that’s most striking.

Some careful, “strictly business” research suggests much of this searching is related to Natalie Dylan (a pseudonym), a Sacramento State graduate student who last year auctioned her virginity, having allegedly gotten bids up to $3.8 million.  Fox News is, of course, outraged.

Local CBS affiliate KOVR-TV quoted Dennis Hof, owner of the Bunny Ranch where the auction will be held, as saying:

Natalie is a very smart girl. All she wants to do is get her master’s degree in family and marriage counseling and be a psychologist.  She’s selling her virginity to accomplish that.

Adding a punchline at this point would only spoil the pure beauty of that statement.

Airline

A colleague recently recommended the show Airline, and I nearly watched the entire first season in a single sitting.  It’s a lot like Cops, but instead of filming police officers as they perform their duties, Airline films customer service agents for Southwest Airlines in several of their focus airports.

It’s good television for the same reasons Cops is.  First, we’re watching professionals do their jobs well.  Whereas frequent travelers dread the rare events that happen once in a hundred trips, crews see that many flights every day, virtually guaranteeing mayhem.

Second, many of the people they encounter are complete idiots.  Some are perfectly pleasant travelers and some are passengers subjected to genuine wrongs that need to be righted, but others are outright jerks who just need to be barred from society.  (My favorite so far is the woman who berated the baggage office staff after she failed to recognize her own bag on the carousel.)

Naturally, most encounters on the show result in the passenger threatening to sue the airline, call the police, or at a minimum to “never fly Southwest again!”  It’s practically a mantra.  After just 20 minutes of watching ticketing agents get berated for enforcing perfectly reasonable policies, I wanted to run over to the airport just to stand patiently in a line like a civilized adult.  “You lost my bag?  How unfortunate!  Could you please call me when it arrives so that I may pick it up?  Thank you!” I’d say, for example.

What bothers me most is that in several episodes it’s clear that a single supervisor can spend much of her day interacting with a single problematic customer.  Southwest must necessarily employ an army of staff solely to handle this minority of passengers — and it’s absolutely the right thing to do, since without such an army the rest of us would be stuck in line behind them.

What I like best is this exchange between an unjustifiably irate passenger and a customer service agent, which occurs repeatedly:

Angry Passenger:  I want to see a manager.
Manager
:  I am the manager, and I’m the one telling you you’ve missed your flight.

Southwest agreeing to feature in the show is an interesting gamble.  Their logo is in virtually every shot, since it covers their planes, uniforms, and even airport walls.  Their name is mentioned constantly in natural conversation.  Even their routes get some discussion as passengers mention their various destinations.  However, the routine flights and happy passengers that surely comprise most of their operation don’t get much screen time.  We only see the people so unhappy with their experience they leave swearing off the airline for life.

I say it worked in their favor.  Southwest will begin service to Boston’s Logan International Airport on August 16th, and even after seeing six hours of air travel nightmares, I’d like to give them a try.

Only the first season of Airline is out on DVD, but Netflix has it available to “Watch Instantly.”

Genesis 6:11.com?

The front page of the Metro section in this morning’s Boston Globe featured a helpful guide titled How to build an ark.  The introduction reads:

We’re in the worst recession of most people’s lifetime, and in the midst of the worst stretch of summer weather that anyone can remember. Have things reached biblical proportions? Maybe not, but just in case, we thought it might help to provide instructions on how to build an ark.

The print version features a beautiful infographic that’s partially reproduced online.  In both, the attribution line reads:

Source: Genesis 6:11, eHow.com

I can hear the trailer now, voiced by the late Don LaFontaine: “In a world overtaken by water, one man… one ark… and one Internet connection to eHow.com.   In theaters everywhere, July 23rd.”

The Great Uniter

Finally, as US troops withdraw from Iraqi cities* we learn how influential George W. Bush was in bringing together people of vastly different ideologies.  From this morning’s Associated Press piece on the withdrawal:

“All of us are happy – Shi’ites, Sunnis, and Kurds – on this day,’’ Waleed al-Bahadili said as he celebrated at the park. “The Americans harmed and insulted us too much.’’

* Of course, “withdrawal” is used loosely here.  From the same article:

Despite today’s formal pullback, some US troops will remain in the cities to train and advise Iraqi forces. US forces will return to the cities only if asked. The US military will continue combat operations in rural areas and near the border, but only with the Iraqi government’s permission.

Kingpin

Having loved Firefly so entirely that I’ve watched the entire fourteen-episode run about eight times in a row, I thought I’d try another highly-recommended seven-year-old show with a somewhat longer production run.  I’m speaking, of course, of the five season run of The Wire.

I’m only three episodes in and the jury’s still out, but I already love the star drug dealer’s tutorial on how to play chess:

Now look, check it, it’s simple, it’s simple. See this? This the kingpin. A’ight? And he the man. You get the other dude’s king, you got the game, but he trying to get your king too, so you gotta protect it. Now the king, he move one space any direction he damn choose, ’cause he’s the king. Like this, this, this, a’ight? But he ain’t got no hustle.

This the queen. She smart, she fierce. She move any way she want, as far as she want. And she is the “go get shit done” piece.

I Could Kill You With My Brain

I listened attentively every time someone recommended that I watch Firefly, and then practiced the fine art of procrastination in never watching it. The series ended over six years ago, but I’ve finally caught up now.

Wow!

Among my favorite quotes from the entire fourteen-episode run:

If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell — a level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

A close second, from the same episode:

My days of not taking you seriously are sure coming to a middle.

I found Serenity (the followup movie) somewhat underwhelming.  It seemed to seek a plot great enough to commit to the big screen, when the episodic plots of the television show were a far better fit for the characters.

But even if Serenity were entirely lifeless (which it’s not), Firefly would still have been fantastic enough to compensate.  I will now immediately buy my own set of DVDs, and if only someone made a Firefly tee shirt I’d buy that too.