Quotes

All D’s Are Diesel!

Zipcar stands out as one of the few companies willing to use plain language to communicate with its customers. Even in a list of rules, they explain their policies the way I’d expect one member to explain them to another:

Can I park in a commercial zone during my reservation?

Nope. Even if your Zipcar happens to be carrying commercial plates (as they do in some cities) you’ll still be a sweet target for those meter maids.

Thus, when I see a very specific warning about a particular type of car, I have to believe it’s not there because a lawyer demanded it, but because it’s been a genuine source of confusion for members.  This one frightens me a little:

Scion xD

automatic transmission
5-door—4 doors, 5 seatbelts

The “D” in xD does NOT stand for Diesel. The xD takes regular unleaded fuel!

I Could Kill You With My Brain

I listened attentively every time someone recommended that I watch Firefly, and then practiced the fine art of procrastination in never watching it. The series ended over six years ago, but I’ve finally caught up now.

Wow!

Among my favorite quotes from the entire fourteen-episode run:

If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell — a level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

A close second, from the same episode:

My days of not taking you seriously are sure coming to a middle.

I found Serenity (the followup movie) somewhat underwhelming.  It seemed to seek a plot great enough to commit to the big screen, when the episodic plots of the television show were a far better fit for the characters.

But even if Serenity were entirely lifeless (which it’s not), Firefly would still have been fantastic enough to compensate.  I will now immediately buy my own set of DVDs, and if only someone made a Firefly tee shirt I’d buy that too.

Oh

I happened to open our Parking Enforcement database this afternoon, and the notes field for the first record that came up read, in its entirety (and with quote marks as shown):

“Why can’t I just get a warning?”
“You were [parked illegally here] on 2 separate occasions”
“No I wasn’t”
“I placed them on your car myself”
“Oh.”

It’s like a great short story.

So The Answer Will Be…

Since I’m writing new software for our help desk, I find myself reading nearly every question we get.  Some are routine, some are rude, some are perplexing, and some are just hilarious.  Regarding the website for an online class:

[T]he video for homework 3, question 7 does not appear to be a full video. The video opens with all kinds of things written on the board and begins with the professor saying, “So the answer will be…”

Maybe that’s just the professor’s way of getting straight to the point!

It’s Called “Freak You Out” Disease

I had my teeth cleaned this morning.  I learned that my teeth are still in excellent health, but on my way out I overheard another patient getting this news:

I’d like to send a photograph of this to use in our classes, ’cause what I’m seeing here is… well, come over here and take a look.

Any condition that’s so unusual they need to show all their students while they have the chance can’t be a lot of fun.

Listen to Your Mother

Sophie is learning higher reasoning, apparently. After calling Mommy and talking for a while, she said goodbye and hung up the phone. When Grandma asked to talk, Sophie explained the situation:

Sophie: Mommy hung up. She doesn’t want to talk to you.
Grandma: Why doesn’t she want to talk to me?
Sophie: Because then I’d have to eat before I play.

Naturally, if Mommy got involved, Sophie would have to follow her usual rules, even under Grandma’s care.  She gets a lot of credit for reasoning that out, but she still needs to work a bit on subterfuge.

Phoenix: City of a Thousand Stories

A collection of events from the airports I traveled to get to and from Phoenix, Arizona (namely Houston and Minneapolis/St. Paul):

All in Good Fun

The security reminder announcement (“…threat condition orange…”) in Houston includes this memorable line:

You are also reminded that any inappropriate remarks or jokes concerning security may result in your arrest.

This did not stop the gate agents for my flight from joking with one passenger, “Wait, this boarding pass is ripped.  Susan, what does that mean?  Don’t we have to put her on the next flight?”  I chuckled a little, but the passenger herself wasn’t amused, having already been delayed and rerouted twice that day.  Oops.

No; Are You a Security Threat?

Walking through Terminal E in Houston, I saw a woman flag down a uniformed airline employee.  This exchange followed:

Her: Excuse me, are you security?
Him:  No.
Her: Oh.

She walked on.  Just in case she knew something I didn’t, I walked the other way.

Sterility is a Relative Term

On the inside of a Jetway door in Minneapolis/St. Paul (i.e., the door facing into the airport), was a sign that read:

Now entering the sterile area

The “sterile area” is, of course, the part of the airport where everyone has already been screened.  If airport security works correctly, no weapons of any kind will ever be found in the sterile area.  Nor will too much toothpaste.

This begs an obvious question: shouldn’t the tarmac, where the planes are, also be part of the sterile area?

Am I Putting Him On or is He Putting Me On?

I overheard this snippet of a phone call while strolling through Terminal E in Houston:

In the upper right corner there’s a box that says “Search Mail.”  …  Right, it says “Search Mail.”  …  Yeah … Yeah … Okay, so do you see the box that says “Search Mail?”  … Right, it’s in the upper right corner … It doesn’t matter; just click Inbox.  Whatever.  Now in the upper right corner do you see the box that says “Search Mail?” … Okay, good.  Now type “Continental” … In the box that says “Search Mail” … It’s in the upper right corner.

The airport offers wireless Internet access for $8 a day.  After a few more minutes of that, that sounds like a bargain.

Airport Manners in the Twenty-First Century

The woman across the aisle from me on my flight into Boston caught our flight attendant’s attention.

The gentleman in seat 20F switched seats with me, and I’d like to buy him a drink.

I was first struck by how nice a gesture that was, and then immediately struck by how low our standards for manners have gotten, at least aboard aircraft, if a $5 drink as repayment for a kind act is as noteworthy as I interpreted it.  (To be clear, I find no fault whatsoever with the woman herself or her offer, which was indeed a nice gesture.  My concern is for the rest of society who have rendered it more impressive than it ought to have been.)