Quips

All I Wanted Were Funny Movie Clips

Of at least 1,200 movie clips currently on Hulu, these are the top 20 most popular today (as titled on the site):

  1. Cocoon: Alien Sex
  2. Animal House: Topless Pillow Fight
  3. Bring it On: Bikini Car Wash
  4. Porky’s: Shower Spy Hole
  5. Epic Movie: Lazy Pirate Day Video (“starring … Sara Underwood as a pirate wench”)
  6. The Ice Storm: Show Me Yours
  7. Bring it On: Having Cheer Sex
  8. The Girl Next Door: Fantasy
  9. American Pie 2: Going Too Far
  10. The Girl Next Door: I’m All Wet
  11. The Girl Next Door: Who Is This Girl?
  12. The Girl Next Door: Pool Crashers
  13. The Girl Next Door: Porn Star
  14. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls: Master’s Bathroom
  15. Carlito’s Way: Get Me Naked
  16. Epic Movie: Slow Motion (“Peter uses a magic slow-motion remote to watch a big-breasted woman run.”)
  17. Epic Movie: Harry Potter
  18. Epic Movie: You Got Punked
  19. Bring it On: You Really Suck
  20. Species III: Alien Breeding

Did you too detect a theme?

Only six items in the entire list do not immediately imply sexual content.  I included the clips’ descriptions for two of those in parentheses, which clears up the confusion right away.

Of the others, “Master’s Bathroom” features a couple bathing nude, “Harry Potter” has one character grab another’s breasts, “You Got Punked” has a woman flash someone with her back to the camera, and “You Really Suck” opens with a female cheerleader adjusting her underwear while a male cheerleader watches.

The next 20 don’t look much more promising.

I find our society deeply troubling right now.

Put Down the Nuclear Warhead and Step Away from the Car

As part of my ongoing Christmas travel planning, I’m exploring rental cars.

My credit card has an apparently common feature where they’ll insure any car rented using the card.  I can forgo the rental company’s insurance, theoretically assuming financial responsibility myself, but really falling back on the credit card if I’m in an accident.

I wanted to be sure I fully understood the terms and conditions, so I read the booklet that came with the card thoroughly.  It includes this passage:

Exclusions.  Coverage does not apply to Loss resulting from the following:

  • Any dishonest, fraudulent or criminal act of the Insured.
  • Forgery by the Insured.
  • Loss due to war or confiscation by authorities.
  • Loss due to nuclear reaction or radioactive contamination.
  • …

Wow.  That list went downhill really fast.  The bits about fraud and forgery I expected, but then already in the third and fourth items we’ve slipped into war and nuclear reactions!

I admit I’m also struggling to envision what sort of nuclear reaction would damage the car, but would leave the driver intact and liable for the damage.

The Hologram Version is Out Next Year

Netflix offers this summary of the film Journey to the Center of the Earth (emphasis mine):

Science professor Trevor (Brendan Fraser) has become the laughingstock of the academic community thanks to his outrageous theories. While on a trip to Iceland, Trevor, his nephew Sean (Josh Hutcherson) and their guide Hannah (Anita Briem) find themselves at the center of the planet, having discovered a whole world within our world. Adapted from the Jules Verne fantasy novel, this film (presented in 2D) marks the directorial debut of Eric Brevig.

Everybody knows the Earth is flat.  Why would you need more than two dimensions to tell a story about it?

Besides, I never settle for anything less than 4D when I watch movies at home.

Thx, eBay!

After clicking “Buy it Now” on an eBay item, I got this message:

Congrats, you just bought this item.

Are we using the word “congrats” now?

Two Times Two Equals Stupid

I recently prepared a box of Pasta Roni, which involved stirring together the pasta, 1½ cups water, ¾ cups milk, and 2 tablespoons “margarine, butter, or spread with no trans fat” in its preparation.  This is routine and uninteresting.

Then I noticed smaller lettering beneath the directions (verbatim and unabridged, but with my emphasis):

To Prepare Two Boxes:  Follow Range Top Directions, except prepare 2 boxes of PASTA RONI® Four Cheese Flavor with Corkscrew Pasta in a 3-quart saucepan with 3 cups water, 1½ cups milk and 4 tablespoons margarine, butter or spread with no trans fat.

Go ahead – go back and do the math.  Take your time.  You’ll discover, as I did, that the sole purpose of that sentence is to tell you to double the ingredients you use when making double the amount.  No.  Strike that.  The sole purpose of that sentence is to tell you that 2 × ¾ = 1½, that 2 × 2 = 4, and that 2 × 1½ = 3.

It has apparently fallen to the Quaker Oats Company (which makes Pasta Roni) to teach adults in the United States how to double fractions.  Even if you’re incapable of doing the math, couldn’t you just measure out 1½ cups, pour it into the pot, and then measure out another 1½ cups?

Hereinafter Defined as Silly

From the Boston Municipal Code, 16-12.14:

No person shall in or about any part of the streets, parks, public grounds, public buildings, or other public places discharge without permission of every person who would be struck, or the owners of property which would be struck, as the case may be, as result of such discharge any toy, amusement or novelty product fitted to propel, by compressed air or gas, any substance primarily intended for amusement or decoration, in the nature of “liquid string,” so-called.

In other words, we have a law against shooting people with Silly String in public unless they’ve given express permission in advance.

I’d like to point out two important loopholes.  First, on private property I can shoot you with Silly String whether you permit me or not.  The law applies necessarily only to public property.  Second, I can also shoot you with some other substance as long as I’m confident no court would consider it amusing or decorative.

Some others that I enjoy:

  1. (16-19.4) No person shall, in the Common, Public Garden, or other public grounds of the City, annoy another person….
  2. (16-10.4) No person shall, within any market limits, play any game….
  3. (16-12.15) No person shall, in any street, play ball, throw stones, snow balls, or other missiles, or shoot with or use a bow and arrow or sling.

I want that first one on a tee shirt.

Got Any Examples From Other Angles?

I was researching a particular fact about DNS in Wikipedia, when I stumbled on this sentence:

In the United States, the “Truth in Domain Names Act” (actually the “Anticybersquatting Consumer Protection Act”), in combination with the PROTECT Act, forbids the use of a misleading domain name with the intention of attracting people into viewing a visual depiction of sexually explicit conduct on the Internet.

Those first two links look good, but I have a bad feeling about that last one.  It turns out to link merely to the article on “Internet pornography,” which contains an image at the top with the cutline (I swear I am not making this up), “An example of a pornographic website.”

Anything in the name of research, I guess.

Tha Bestest Besties

Someone on “Yahoo! Answers” (as if Yahoo weren’t already completely obsolete) asked:

[I] purchesed (sic) a domain from 1&1, got the confirmation e-mail and everything. Well it says the status of my domain is “Domain registration is being requested” What exactly does that mean?…

Here, in its entirety, is the answer marked “Best Answer – Chosen by Voters” having earned three votes:

i dnt even know what a domain is. or what 1&1 is. sorry.

Nothing I could possibly say could embellish that statement in any way, so I’ll just leave it there to burn through your eyes to the back of your brain and haunt your nightmares.  I, masochist that I am, went on to read her profile:

i love volleyball basketball softball track cheerleading!!! my besties amanda meagan haley heide and kenzie are tha bestest besties. [emphasis mine] i luvv em so much. i love candy. but i like being healthy. my favorite drink is a shirly temple or dr pepper with a lemon squeez! so delish!!! im very talkative outgoing funny and fun to be around. yeup i dnt wanna brag or sound conceited to ill just stop. but thats all about me!!! tooooooodlesss!!!

Paraphrasing Josh Lyman: It’s “tha bestest besties” that makes it art.

Mile High Club Subscriber?

Which of the following seems stranger?

  1. A person sits on an airplane and reads Playboy magazine.
  2. A person leaves behind their copy of Playboy magazine in the seat-back pocket for the next traveler to enjoy.

(Yes, there was really a copy on board.  No, the airline had not just generously provided it.)