About Me

Sweeter Words Have Never Been Written

Written on an envelope (from our leasing office) placed outside my neighbor’s door: “Before you go, here’s everything you need for an easy move.”

Hazzah!

Before too much time passes, let me please register the following ten demands for my replacement neighbor.

1. They must know how to operate keys and doorknobs, so it will not be necessary to stand in the hallway screaming for someone to let them in.

2. They must not feel it necessary to visit with every single one of their friends (and their friends’ friends) every single Friday and/or Saturday night. Alternatively, if these visits are required, they must have fewer than three friends and dislike alcohol.

3. They must consider it poor taste to leave bags of garbage in the hall outside their apartment. As an optional bonus, they should also consider it inappropriate to leave bags of garbage in the hall inside their apartment.

4. They must further understand how a garbage chute works, and in particular that one neither saves time nor achieves the goal of properly disposing of trash when one leaves a bag on the floor in front of the chute.

5. They must not, under any circumstances, set the building on fire again.

6. They must either appreciate or ignore a gift of baked goods at Christmas time. Stealing the batch made for the entire floor first thing in the morning (especially when also stealing the Tupperware) is not acceptable.

7. They must be able to tell time at least well enough to predict what time their clothes will be done drying based on the countdown displayed prominently on the front of the machine. Forcing someone else to remove their underwear (albeit clean underwear) from the dryer twenty-four hours after it finishes drying is not acceptable.

8. They must not repeatedly break up with their boyfriends in the hallway outside my door where I can hear every single word. If it’s necessary to break up with their boyfriends, they must do it from another location – preferably their own apartment, which, in accordance with #1 above, they will know how to enter.

9. They must not, during the Boston Marathon, call out any words that rhyme with “witch” when female runners pass by, even if they are preceded by the phrase, “keep running.” The word “rich” in very select sentences may be permitted, as the prize for winning the marathon is $150,000 and that may be strong encouragement.

10. They must take us on outings, give us treats. Sing songs, bring sweets. Never be cross or cruel. Never give us castor oil or gruel.

Sincerely,
Jane and Michael Banks

P.S. It wouldn’t hurt if they were uglier than me.

Free Shipping, Free Time Machine

People have gotten dumber since the last time I tried buying tickets on eBay.

Take, for instance, lmhjnd, who lists an item as “Jerry Seinfeld Tickets – FRONT ROW” and then admits they’re really in row P.  Row P.  Row P is behind an aisle… and twenty other rows.  Awesome.

My favorite so far, though, is akillie, who offers two Orchestra tickets in an auction that ends 2.5 hours after the show starts.  Which is basically when the show is over.  You really haven’t thought this through at all.

Is it “Cozy” and in a “Great Neighborhood” Too?

I was just renewing my lease when I noticed this ad for a new building in Boston:

“Limited time Offer!

“Lease one of our brand-new apartments before March 31st, 2008 and receive up to ONE MONTH FREE! That’s a potential value up to $9,120! So you better hurry, this offer won’t last.”

By getting a single month free the savings are up to $9,120? Is this ad supposed to make me want to live there? I don’t know that much about math, but I’m pretty sure even with the one free month I’d still be spending $100,320 on rent next year. I don’t make $100,320 in a year, so that would be problematic.

Smells Like Brownies

“Dear Residents,

“… We are notifying all residents on your floor of a series of complaints we have received regarding an unusual odor. At this time we are unable to identify which apartment the odor is coming from and, as a result, feel it is important to heighten everyone’s awareness to bring about improvement.

“A smoke odor has been detected that is not related to cigarette, cigar, or cooking smoke. The odor is creating concern that perhaps an illegal substance is being smoked in an apartment.”

Can’t it Just be Someone’s Birthday?

All day today I’ve had the nagging feeling the date is somehow significant. I kept dating new versions of source code, and every time “2008-03-14” came out, a quiet alarm rang in my head. “It’s 03-14! Do something about it!”

I’ve checked my calendar, I’ve dug into the depths of my memory. “March 14. March 14. 03/14. The 14th of March. Ten days after the fourth of March.” My every effort was stymied by some awful mental block. Surely if it were the 14th of February I’d have had an easier time. “Why, today is Valentine’s Day,” I would have told myself.

I’d nearly given up by lunchtime, when I opened xkcd’s blag. Today is Pi Day. It’s Pi Day! It’s 03.14. 03.14 15:09:26 in just a few hours. The 14th of March!

I don’t know whether to be proud I had the date mentally filed, however irretrievable the reason proved, or to be ashamed at the level of geekiness I have today exhibited.

Happy Pi Day.

It’s Time for Your Public Humiliation

Trains on the Green Line (as elsewhere) occasionally run express between two stops to help close gaps in service.  They announce this ad nauseam for the benefit of clueless passengers.  “This train will run express to BU Central.  BU Central will be the next stop for this train.  The first stop we’ll make is BU Central.  If you need a stop before BU Central, get off now.  Express to BU Central.”  (Substituting wherever it is, exactly, we’re expressing to.)

Then about half the time someone will ring to request one of the stops in between.  Conductors usually ignore this, though a few have yelled, “I said we’re going express.”

Today, our motorman just quietly deadpanned, “Will the passenger from out of town come to the front, please.”

But is There a Postscript to That?

My bank has sent me confirmation paperwork for the new terms of a Certificate of Deposit I rolled over. Technically this rollover happened two months ago, and it’s only a three month CD, but I guess it’s more important to produce massive amounts of paperwork than that anyone ever reads them.

This paperwork includes a booklet titled “Account Information.” It’s 100 pages long (50 in English, 50 in Spanish). That’s fine; there’s a lot of important legal information to convey in banking.

It also includes a second booklet titled “Account Information – Addendum.” It too is 50 pages long (50 in English, 0 in Spanish). In the era of computers they really couldn’t just merge these?

But the kicker is the one solitary additional page at the very back of the massive packet titled, I swear, “Account Information – Amendments to the Addendum”

Amendments to the Addendum! Amendments to the Addendum? Seriously?

At least now I know why it took them two months.

Drum Solo

I have a confession: I hate drum solos.  Sure, they start out exciting and cool, with lots of exciting rhythms building on each other.  Invariably, though, the drummer gets either tired or just confused and starts banging things at random, so I tune out and start wishing someone would start playing other instruments again.

So when Eddie from Ohio (Eddie Hartness) launched into a drum solo last night, I was skeptical.  I’m pleased to say I not only enjoyed this solo, but indeed liked it so much I’ve now set out to start listening to more of Mr. From Ohio’s solos on purpose.

Drummers everywhere, take a note: this is how it should be done!