Written on an envelope (from our leasing office) placed outside my neighbor’s door: “Before you go, here’s everything you need for an easy move.”

Hazzah!

Before too much time passes, let me please register the following ten demands for my replacement neighbor.

1. They must know how to operate keys and doorknobs, so it will not be necessary to stand in the hallway screaming for someone to let them in.

2. They must not feel it necessary to visit with every single one of their friends (and their friends’ friends) every single Friday and/or Saturday night. Alternatively, if these visits are required, they must have fewer than three friends and dislike alcohol.

3. They must consider it poor taste to leave bags of garbage in the hall outside their apartment. As an optional bonus, they should also consider it inappropriate to leave bags of garbage in the hall inside their apartment.

4. They must further understand how a garbage chute works, and in particular that one neither saves time nor achieves the goal of properly disposing of trash when one leaves a bag on the floor in front of the chute.

5. They must not, under any circumstances, set the building on fire again.

6. They must either appreciate or ignore a gift of baked goods at Christmas time. Stealing the batch made for the entire floor first thing in the morning (especially when also stealing the Tupperware) is not acceptable.

7. They must be able to tell time at least well enough to predict what time their clothes will be done drying based on the countdown displayed prominently on the front of the machine. Forcing someone else to remove their underwear (albeit clean underwear) from the dryer twenty-four hours after it finishes drying is not acceptable.

8. They must not repeatedly break up with their boyfriends in the hallway outside my door where I can hear every single word. If it’s necessary to break up with their boyfriends, they must do it from another location – preferably their own apartment, which, in accordance with #1 above, they will know how to enter.

9. They must not, during the Boston Marathon, call out any words that rhyme with “witch” when female runners pass by, even if they are preceded by the phrase, “keep running.” The word “rich” in very select sentences may be permitted, as the prize for winning the marathon is $150,000 and that may be strong encouragement.

10. They must take us on outings, give us treats. Sing songs, bring sweets. Never be cross or cruel. Never give us castor oil or gruel.

Sincerely,
Jane and Michael Banks

P.S. It wouldn’t hurt if they were uglier than me.