I Believe Two Things

At the grocery store:

Dude, you should go out with her. You’re the only person I know who doesn’t want to punch her in the face.

From an online discussion pertaining to today’s middle school geometry homework:

I can’t seem to draw anything that ends in “agon”

I assume that means the assorted “angle” and “ircle” shapes proved easier.

As a second grade class filed into the cafeteria at Sophie’s school, I heard the tail end of this conversation:

Kid: See? I told you I could prove I don’t like you!

I’m glad they’re teaching the scientific method!

While we were visiting Sam’s relative in the hospital a technician ran a routine test on her heart. With some electrical leads attached to what was essentially a large laptop, he uttered the most extraordinary thing I’ve ever heard:

This may feel strange. I’m going to increase your heart rate just for a second.

We apparently live in a world where that is a routine thing to say.

Sophie made a sad announcement about her day on the way home:

Sophie: Today, Brandi ruined my life.

Me: You mean your day?

Sophie: No, my whole life.

Me: What did she do?

Sophie: Well, she did a nice thing too. She let me take a drink of her water. It was colored water, and I liked it. And she had it in a water bottle, and she wiped off all her germs, and she told me that she would share with me, and then she let me have a drink.

Me: I don’t understand. That sounds like a nice thing to do. What bad thing did she do that ruined your life?

Sophie: I already forgot.

Sophie at dinner:

If this were in the newspaper, it would say, “The silliest family in the world is the Fensters. They have a dad, a mom, and a daughter. The daughter is the silliest, then the dad… no, then the mom, then the dad. And if you want to visit them, they’re in (Our Neighborhood), (Our Street), (Our House Number).”

And if people read that, they’d keep the newspaper forever.

Sophie threw her first full-scale temper tantrum as a first grader today, with the requisite tears and screaming, shutting herself in her room, threatening not to come down to dinner unless we met her terms, screaming “I’M SORRY!” in her angriest voice, and other general unpleasantness.

When she finally calmed down, I sent her upstairs to get ready for bed. And she skipped up the stairs singing, to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It”:

If you’re angry and you know it, throw a tantrum.
If you’re angry and you know it, throw a tantrum.

As Sophie went to bed this evening, she announced:

I want to be a soldier!

(suddenly excited) No… wait… a musketeer! I could wear all pink! And a feather!

Well, sure. I totally see your train of thought.

Overheard from a child about nine years old:

I’m never going to drive a car because I’m never going to take the test. I don’t like tests. … Except the tests we take at schol; I like those.

I guess my main question is: what other tests have you been taking?

Overheard at the Dollar Tree:

Employee: (to manager) I’m going to need some ones.

Really? That isn’t the sort of problem that’ll just sort itself out if you let a couple more people checkout? Ya know… ’cause it’s the dollar store?