8. October 2008 by Ben.

In the Simpsons episode “Homer the Great” (season 6, episode 12), the leader of the secret Stonecutters organization is called Number One.

Let’s review some key moments in my experience watching this show:

• 7:38 – Lenny and Carl first mention Number One
• 8:18 – Number One speaks for the first time.  I recognize the voice of Patrick Stewart immediately
• 9:30 – I finally get the joke about Patrick Stewart being “Number One”

In previous commentaries for Simpsons episodes, David Mirkin has taken to explaining the jokes.  He’s made fun of himself for doing this, but I’d just like to say: evidently people like me can use the help.

Update: I’ve now listened to the commentary for this episode, where they didn’t mention the joke at all.  I now feel slightly less bad about it.

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7. October 2008 by Ben.

The Huntington Theatre Company keeps sending me e-mail to announce that Carrie Fisher is coming to town on Friday.  After six messages on the subject I got annoyed enough to unsubscribe from the Huntington’s mailing list.  (I have nothing against Carrie Fisher, but six announcements about anything is plenty).  This is what I got:

Your request has been processed and the email address has been removed from the list 20081006_CFBeginsFri_nonsubs.

Let’s decode.  I just subscribed from a mailing list titled “2008-10-06 Carrie Fisher Begins Friday, non-subscribers.”

I love a mailing list that’s so specifically titled it’s virtually inconceivable it will ever be used again, whether I’m subscribed or not.  Now let’s see what happens when I unsubscribe from the “2008-10-09 Carrie Fisher Still Begins Friday, non-subscribers” list when it comes out!

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6. October 2008 by Ben.

From The Age:

Pope Benedict XVI says the financial crisis sweeping the world proves the futility of craving success and money and he urges instead that people base their lives on the word of God.

“We are seeing now in the collapse of the big banks that this money is disappearing, is nothing,” Benedict told a synod of bishops on Monday on the theme of “The Word of God”.

Let’s review.  Our government believes if it just throws $700 billion at anything that moves this crisis will go away.  The Pope just shrugs his shoulders and pontificates (literally), “I guess we’re not supposed to have money or homes.”

Who do we have to take Jerry Falwell’s role of reminding us that if only we were less tolerant toward homosexuality and feminism (and the ACLU, don’t forget), we wouldn’t have these crises in the first place?

(via BBC Newshour)

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5. October 2008 by Ben.

The Dexter Park website easily qualifies to compete for the title of Worst Possible Website Design in the History of Websites.

It’s honestly so bad I lost interest in living there partway through, and only kept browsing so that I could compile the following list of horrifying problems:

1. It plays music in the background!  I was already listening to my own music when I got there.  Whatever Muzak you’ve chosen clashes with the upbeat music of Mr. Leroy Anderson I was enjoying before you so rudely interrupted.
2. There’s no way to turn off the music!  On my first visit I closed the site because I couldn’t figure out how to mute it.  On closer inspection, I realized it can’t be done.  Again, I was already perfectly happy with my own personal music selection.
3. Flash should never – never – be used for navigation.  I cannot bookmark any page of your site.  If I want to share a great floorplan with my friends and relatives, I have to call them up on the telephone and describe how to use the site.
4. Clicking the “Neighborhood” button does not reveal the building’s address.  It does not even reveal a map.  It reveals a very, very low information-density graphic with a star where the apartments are and various other symbols for area landmarks.  It is not even possible to identify from this graphic the building’s neighborhood, ironically.
5. The symbols on this graphic blink incessantly, which is evidently supposed to encourage visitors to click them.  Clicking one does give more information on the landmark, but…
6. Here’s the description given for Boston University: “Boston University began as a Methodist seminary in 1839 in Vermont.  The school was transferred to New Hampshire in 1847 and to Boston in 1867.  It is now internationally recognized as a top institution of learning and research. …”  What can this possibly have to do with selling me an apartment?
7. The emphasis on area universities is unusually strong for a building that (according to other, offline sources) does not accept undergraduates.
8. There’s a “View T Map” button which just shows the T schematic diagram (still not a real map) and puts a star incorrectly at about the St. Paul Street stop on the B line.  In reality, the building is halfway between the B and C lines.
9. Under “Floorplans,” site visitors can see thumbnails of various floorplans across the bottom of the screen.  Only three are visible at a time.  Arrows to either side will scroll through the thumbnails, but clicking an arrow doesn’t just advance to the next image.  It advances a few pixels.  Moving to the next image requires holding the mouse button for three or four seconds.  This is just grossly inefficient.
10. After selecting a floorplan to enlarge, there’s a “Furniture Arranger” feature that lets visitors drag bits of furniture onto the graphic.  These example pieces of furniture come in various shapes, but only one size – every dining table in the world is about seven feet long, apparently.
11. The homepage features a “Virtual Tour” button that is not accessible once the visitor has selected any other page of the site.  It’s not possible, as far as I can tell, to return to the homepage.  (The video itself looks pretty good, excluding the shot of a Peapod billboard as the narrator describes the building as ‘close to professional services’)

As a web developer, I’m appalled.  I’ve built plenty of sites that didn’t age well, and I’ve built plenty of sites that had design problems.  This is not an example of either.  It’s a flashy site that’s meant to sell a product (an apartment) that in reality drove me away almost immediately.

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4. October 2008 by Ben.

From the Boston Municipal Code, 16-12.14:

No person shall in or about any part of the streets, parks, public grounds, public buildings, or other public places discharge without permission of every person who would be struck, or the owners of property which would be struck, as the case may be, as result of such discharge any toy, amusement or novelty product fitted to propel, by compressed air or gas, any substance primarily intended for amusement or decoration, in the nature of “liquid string,” so-called.

In other words, we have a law against shooting people with Silly String in public unless they’ve given express permission in advance.

I’d like to point out two important loopholes.  First, on private property I can shoot you with Silly String whether you permit me or not.  The law applies necessarily only to public property.  Second, I can also shoot you with some other substance as long as I’m confident no court would consider it amusing or decorative.

Some others that I enjoy:

1. (16-19.4) No person shall, in the Common, Public Garden, or other public grounds of the City, annoy another person….
2. (16-10.4) No person shall, within any market limits, play any game….
3. (16-12.15) No person shall, in any street, play ball, throw stones, snow balls, or other missiles, or shoot with or use a bow and arrow or sling.

I want that first one on a tee shirt.

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4. October 2008 by Ben.

When my neighbors moved out in April, I submitted a list of demands for their replacements. Now that the building is full of students again, I can evaluate how well my demands have been met.

Demand #9 addressed whether or not it should be permitted to stand on one’s balcony and shout obscenities at runners in the Boston Marathon.

Although I will only be able to fully evaluate compliance with this rule in April, the outlook is already bleak.  The new people in that particular apartment have already developed two new hobbies to be conducted from their balcony.  One is conversing with people on the street or in other buildings, which is just stupid.

The other is dropping objects from the same balcony, with apparent hopes of hitting pedestrians or cars.  Besides breaking several laws, this tends to cause cars to then (also illegally) sound their horns.  Nothing about this is good.

On the way to a party for a coworker’s promotion last week, I commented that I was considering moving to a neighborhood we passed on the way there.  A coworker announced that he’d lived there recently, but that he didn’t like it because it was too quiet.  It’s now officially at the top of my “most preferred” list.

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3. October 2008 by Ben.

FedEx has added a note to my online tracking that I’ve never noticed before (or I just haven’t received a FedEx package in a long time):

Oct 3, 2008 9:50 pm Departed FedEx location BROOKLYN, NY
Next scheduled tracking update: Oct 4, 2008

In other words, “This thing is on a truck.  We won’t be scanning it again until tomorrow.  Go to bed.”

Of course, once October 4th rolled around, I still spent all day refreshing the tracking page and staring out the window until I saw the truck.  This still doesn’t quite solve the “Aww, still in Memphis.” problem, but it’s a step.

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2. October 2008 by Ben.

Following are names that are mine:

Fenster

Following are examples of names that are not mine, but that someone might use in a playful manner:

Benster, Fenstermacher, Fenstmeister

Following are names that I wish my HR department hadn’t used when setting up my retirement plan:

Fenstmeister

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1. October 2008 by Ben.

Years ago, a survey asked students who didn’t take any summer courses after expressing any interest why they changed their mind.  Some had work conflicts, one had a technical problem logging in (and therefore gave up, apparently), et cetera.

My favorite explanation is this one, repeated here in its entirety:

I got into college

Yeah.  You wouldn’t want those college courses to get in the way of your college courses.

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29. September 2008 by Ben.

Let’s examine the practical implications of using liquid body wash instead of traditional bar soap.

Advantage: There’s no soap scum runoff down the side of the shower, making it significantly easier to clean.

Disadvantage: There’s a greater risk that on particularly sleepy mornings the soap will be mistaken for shampoo.

(It doesn’t work very well.)

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