Quotes

Tights and Underwear

On my way into the Wang Theatre to see Boston Ballet’s Sleeping Beauty (in which Melissa Hough was particularly outstanding as Princess Aurora) I passed two small children, both about five years old.

This is the conversation I overheard:

Girl: “I don’t mind ballet, but I’m more into gymnastics.”
Boy: “I like ballet.”
Girl: “It’s girls in tights dancing. Of course you like it.”

This reminds me of the argument one of my female high school classmates gave an incoming class of freshmen for why they should join the theatre program: “You get to see us in our underwear during costume changes.”

They’ve both got a point, really. Why don’t more boys join performing arts programs if only for the gawking opportunities?

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Words

Three attractive college women stand on a street corner waiting for a bus.  Their male peers pass by on the sidewalk, often gawking unabashedly at the women with whom they must know, on some level, they will never really get to hook up.  The women clearly want this reaction, though, as they are dressed in outfits tailored exclusively for use in nightclubs, with cigarettes hanging coolly from three right hands and tiny, showy purses tucked under three left arms.

As I pass, I overhear this snippet of conversation:

Girl #1: I didn’t throw up everywhere. I threw up once in the bathroom.

Girl #2: Well I threw up all night, and then kept going in the morning.

To think: college guys were walking right past them without even attempting to get their phone numbers!

All I can envision is the scene in Big Bang Theory where the nerdy physicists attend a Halloween party and Sheldon analyzes the other guests’ conversations, “like Jane Goodall observing the apes.”

Sheldon: It seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting, “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of, “Dude!”

Leonard: Then what happens?

Sheldon: That’s as far as I’ve gotten.

Me too, my fictional friend.  Me too.

Cheat Codes

When I first learned to program in Microsoft’s QBASIC language, one of the first things I did was add a cheat code to the Nibbles game that would let my snake could pass through walls.

Sophie, at age three, prefers the Mickey Mouse game to Nibbles, but her instincts are the same.  One of her games asks her to find all the shapes in a cartoon scene.  First, find all the squares!  Windows, sidewalk squares, fences, and even a suspiciously square tree are all valid choices.  Each one she clicks gets a colorful outline and some praise from Minnie Mouse.

She’s learned, however, that pressing the “I” key offers a “Hint” by outlining one of the shapes not yet found.  So how does she play now?  The moment she’s asked to find squares, she just holds “I” until they’re all highlighted and the game is over!

What I want to know most is: how did she figure that out in the first place?

Sophie is Cute (Exhibit G)

On our way home from the airport, Sophie found an opportunity to be cute.  Seeing a school bus — one of her favorite things — she launched into a detailed explanation of how she had to go to school, and was going to be late.  Halfway through, we had this exchange:

Sophie: I’m going to school!

Mommy: (playfully) Are you going to go away and never come back?

Sophie: (jubilantly) Yep!  And I’m not gonna miss you guys!

She later conceded she might start missing us tomorrow, but definitely not today.

Snakes on My Plane

On my way onto my Northwest Airlines flight to Phoenix on Friday, I passed a row of small, screaming children, who were having a heated argument with their parents about (I hope) which toys they were allowed to have while the plane sat at the gate. All I heard as I walked by was:

Kid #1: I want to see the snake!
Kid #2: It’s not a snake! It’s not a snake! It’s not a snake!

Somebody get those monkey-fighting snakes off this Monday-to-Friday plane!

(That, for the record, would be Samuel L. Jackson’s line from Snakes on a Plane as aired on television, according to the Internet Movie Database.)

Orca!

Sophie likes the arcade games at Chuck E. Cheese — especially the kind that win her tickets so she can get prizes.  Admittedly, she hasn’t yet developed much strategy for these games.  If she gets the skee ball all the way up the ramp (i.e., into the gutter) she gleefully rips off her single consolation ticket with the same elation as the kid who just hit the 100-ticket jackpot on a neighboring game.

Fortunately, she also doesn’t covet the 3,000 ticket prizes like older kids (and grown ups) do.  She’s entirely content with a bouncy ball, a little plastic lizard figurine, or even a Tic-Tac-Toe game.  (She doesn’t know how to play yet, but she really likes the shape of a Tic-Tac-Toe game.)

When we went just after her third birthday, she picked out a nice collection of prizes — a tiny slinky, two bouncy balls, and some stickers, to start.

The woman (high school girl?) giving out the prizes was very friendly.

Woman: You have 20 tickets left.  What else would you like to get?
Sophie: Umm… an Orca!

Woman: (beat) A what?
Sophie: Orca!

Woman: …
Mommy: Fish.
Woman: Oh!

You know that show, Are you smarter than a fifth grader? I have a pitch for a version where adults compete against Sophie.

Even in a contest of Wicked trivia, where I should be an expert, I’ve now learned that Sophie knows more of the lyrics to Wicked than I do.  She’s unstoppable!

D-Day Sausages

In D-Day, Stephen Ambrose describes extensively the preparations for Operation Overlord.  My favorite passage so far (from page 153) describes preparations taken within assembly areas (called “sausages” — read the book if you need to know why) immediately before the invasion:

Condoms were issued, by the millions.  Some were blown up into balloons or filled with water and tossed around, but most were put to more practical, if unintended, use.  The infantrymen put them over the muzzles of their M-1 rifles; the rubbers would keep out sand and water and would not have to be removed before the weapons were fired.  Hundreds of men put their watches in condoms and tied them off; unfortunately, the condoms were not large enough to hold wallets.

I’ve Lost My Phone Number; Can I Have Yours?

Quoth Danielle Radcliffe, who portrays Harry Potter in the Paramount films:

I’d like to issue a public invitation to the Obamas that if their daughters would like a private tour of the “Harry Potter” set, I would be honored to be their personal tour guide.

(From the Names page of this morning’s Boston Globe.)

In related news, a colleague of mine found herself in line at Dunkin Donuts yesterday morning, where a strange man tapped her on the shoulder and initiated this exchange:

Strange Man:  Would you like a breakfast sandwich?
Colleague: What?

Strange Man: Would you like a breakfast sandwich?
Colleague: …

Strange Man: I have a coupon!
Colleague:  No, thank you.

Strange Man: So you don’t eat breakfast!  How about lunch?  Can I get your number?

The question we must all be asking deep down is: are there women somewhere on the world who, upon hearing that line, agree to a date?

Food for Thought

From The Big Bang Theory:

Stephanie: So, how was your day?
Leonard:  You know… I’m a physicist, so I thought about stuff.

Stephanie:  That’s it?
Leonard:  I wrote some of it down…

I’ve gotten paid repeatedly before for walking around the block, since I declared (honestly) that I was thinking about a problem as I did so.

Modern society is awesome.