See You Later, Alligator

Dear Frontier Airlines,

I do not believe you are using the word “lowest” correctly.

$219.00

lowest fare

5	seats left at this price

$189.00

1	seat left at this price

Don’t worry. All elementary school students have difficulty with this concept at first. One of my own elementary school teachers – I vaguely recall it being Mrs. Magliolo in the fifth grade – taught us a helpful mnemonic device. The little alligator is very hungry and always wants to eat the bigger number, so 219 > 189 because 219 is a bigger number than 189 is.

With a little practice I’m confident you’ll be able to master this. Don’t give up!

Sincerely,
Your Most (or is it Least?) Loyal Customer

Didn You Know?

Dear Firefox 3,

You have recently informed me that “didn” is not a word, by the subtle but helpful act of underlining it in red everywhere I use it.

I believe there has been a misunderstanding. I agree that these letters alone do not constitute a word, however when followed by an apostrophe and the letter T they form the contraction “didn’t.” This is completely valid, and might be used in the sentence, “Didn’t you learn about contractions in the third grade?”

Admittedly, the character Data in Star Trek: The Next Generation famously could not use contractions, but I regret to inform you that nobody (outside the show’s production staff) ever found this remotely plausible. If you can learn 170,000 English words, you can learn a few others that are spelled with apostrophes. This applies likewise to you, Firefox. Please do not make this error again.

Sincerely,
B’n

Or Is it the Gate Keeper?

Learning to type? The Key Master is a fun typing game.

I managed to score in the top ten, which is the first time I’ve ever been able to say that about a game. We’ll overlook the fact that it’s a new game and just suppose it’s because I’m a fast typist.

My only complaint is that you have to press the enter key after each word. In the real world that’s common for data entry, but less common with words. The game should use the space bar as the “accept” key. It would be much easier for an experienced typist, and a much better learning exercise for a beginner.

Sweeter Words Have Never Been Written

Written on an envelope (from our leasing office) placed outside my neighbor’s door: “Before you go, here’s everything you need for an easy move.”

Hazzah!

Before too much time passes, let me please register the following ten demands for my replacement neighbor.

1. They must know how to operate keys and doorknobs, so it will not be necessary to stand in the hallway screaming for someone to let them in.

2. They must not feel it necessary to visit with every single one of their friends (and their friends’ friends) every single Friday and/or Saturday night. Alternatively, if these visits are required, they must have fewer than three friends and dislike alcohol.

3. They must consider it poor taste to leave bags of garbage in the hall outside their apartment. As an optional bonus, they should also consider it inappropriate to leave bags of garbage in the hall inside their apartment.

4. They must further understand how a garbage chute works, and in particular that one neither saves time nor achieves the goal of properly disposing of trash when one leaves a bag on the floor in front of the chute.

5. They must not, under any circumstances, set the building on fire again.

6. They must either appreciate or ignore a gift of baked goods at Christmas time. Stealing the batch made for the entire floor first thing in the morning (especially when also stealing the Tupperware) is not acceptable.

7. They must be able to tell time at least well enough to predict what time their clothes will be done drying based on the countdown displayed prominently on the front of the machine. Forcing someone else to remove their underwear (albeit clean underwear) from the dryer twenty-four hours after it finishes drying is not acceptable.

8. They must not repeatedly break up with their boyfriends in the hallway outside my door where I can hear every single word. If it’s necessary to break up with their boyfriends, they must do it from another location – preferably their own apartment, which, in accordance with #1 above, they will know how to enter.

9. They must not, during the Boston Marathon, call out any words that rhyme with “witch” when female runners pass by, even if they are preceded by the phrase, “keep running.” The word “rich” in very select sentences may be permitted, as the prize for winning the marathon is $150,000 and that may be strong encouragement.

10. They must take us on outings, give us treats. Sing songs, bring sweets. Never be cross or cruel. Never give us castor oil or gruel.

Sincerely,
Jane and Michael Banks

P.S. It wouldn’t hurt if they were uglier than me.

It’s Strangely Weird and Weirdly Strange

Dear Netflix,

The first time you tried to deliver “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium” (which was supposed to be nothing more than a casual way to spend a Wednesday evening), you mistakenly sent me a video on cancer research instead.

When I reported it, you more than made up for the error, exhibiting excellent customer service practices that left me thoroughly impressed.

“We are sorry for any inconvenience this has caused and have issued a 5% credit to your account. You don’t need to do anything. The credit will be automatically applied to your next billing statement.”

Very well done. I didn’t complain – I never even spoke with a human – and you offered compensation for your error. The correct movie showed up on Friday.

Then, when everything was perfectly well resolved, you flipped the whole thing around 540°. Yes, 540°. You shipped me another copy of the same DVD. My “At Home” list now reads:

1. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
2. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
3. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium

I was only mildly interested in seeing this movie in the first place… and I’m pretty sure I don’t need three copies of it.

Though I admit it’s very funny when the kid says, “The store is undergoing a little difficulty right now. Please leave through the front door calm and orderly. (beat) And maybe try to avoid the slimy girl!”

In conclusion, in the future I’d appreciate you sending me three different DVDs at a time.

Sincerely,
Amused But Unimpressed

Balletomane or Marketing Dartboard? Choose!

Dear Boston Ballet,

You keep sending me postcards inviting me to upcoming performances – Romeo and Juliet, Next Generation, and Swan Lake so far this year. “Buy your ticket today,” you encourage me. That’s so thoughtful! You assume since I’ve attended performances in the past I might again in the future, and remind me in case I’ve forgotten to get tickets.

However, you have failed to consider that people who have attended performances in the past often do again in the future. That’s right: the very foundation of your marketing campaign is also its demise. I already have tickets to all the performances you’re encouraging me to attend. You could save paper by putting these ads on the backs of the tickets themselves, so after they arrive I can be reminded to buy them.

Or, you could take the time when compiling your mailing list to remove the names of people who already have tickets to the things you’re advertising. This will keep you from looking stupid.

Sincerely,
Your Patron

The Bunny, Sir! He’s Stopped Going, Sir!

Dear Apple,

For days now you have been warning me with persistent popup messages, “The batteries in your Apple Wireless Keyboard are critically low, and the device may turn itself off at any time. Please replace the batteries as soon as possible.”

I’m hereby informing you that I have already taken standard precautionary measures against this possibility. I have an academy trained emergency battery replacement team on sixty-second standby and an independent crisis management squad ready to supervise battery replacement operations from a dedicated battery replacement command center established in a secured bunker at a geographically separate (and undisclosed) location. These precautions will be sufficient to cope with potential battery death.

I appreciated your early warning of this potential catastrophe, but since no emergency situation has arisen in the week since you first brought the possibility to my attention, I see no need for the hourly reminders. In fact, they’re extremely distracting, since I cannot continue my critical typing work until I dismiss each of them. Since the keyboard continues to be working at full keyboarding capacity, they seem superfluous.

In conclusion, kindly shut up about my keyboard batteries. You made a shoddy wireless keyboard that’s missing the entire number pad, that rearranges the function keys for absolutely no reason at all, and that eats batteries like it’s 1982. The least you can do is let me keep typing in peace. Dying batteries really don’t constitute quite the crisis situation you make them out to be.

Sincerely,

An Appl

I Have a Idea for Cutting Fuel Costs

Dear Peapod,

You just e-mailed me a summary of my “order.” It reads:

Subtotal:	$0.00
Tax:	$0.00
Delivery Fee:	$9.95
Fuel Surcharge:	$0.48
Total:	$10.43

I agree fully that I’ve ordered nothing, so my subtotal and tax are correct. However, I request that you do not assess a fuel surcharge or delivery fee while not delivering anything.

Sincerely,
Shopping the Old Fashioned Way This Week

(No, they didn’t actually charge me anything; it was just a funny invoice.)

Never Date a Client?

Dear Google,

When a client sends me an e-mail canceling a scheduled requirements-gathering meeting and recommending a new date, the following is not considered a relevant or appropriate ad to put at the top of the page:

“How To Get Her Back – GetYourExGirlfriendBack.com – Get Her Back Fast – Proven Approach She Can’t Resist.”