Author: Ben

Ben http://benjaminfenster.com/

If the Address is Legit You Must Acquit

“Your name has been selected by the Jury Commissioners for prospective jury service.”

I’m the sort of person who would normally be very glad to read that. I’ve never served as a juror, and while I do not overestimate the excitement of serving on a jury outside a Hollywood set, I do value the sense of civic duty.

Watch an episode of The West Wing called “In This White House” from early in the second season. It features a strong sense of civic duty, and contains one of twelve Aaron Sorkin moments that’s guaranteed to make me cry.

So I should have been glad to receive a notice about jury duty. Instead, I am just amused. See, the return address on the envelope begins:

“Chittenden County Clerk”

Some of you may not be sufficiently familiar with the geography, so I will introduce three facts:

  1. Boston is in Suffolk County
  2. “Suffolk” is not just another spelling of “Chittenden”
  3. Chittenden County is in Vermont

This leads us to three interesting conclusions.

First, it would be hard to serve on a jury in another state. Unless they have better teleconferencing hardware than I expect.

Second, I could apparently have voted in Vermont for the last two years, while also voting in Boston.

Third, Vermont is comfortable asking me to serve as a juror even though I haven’t paid them any taxes in the last two years. If they think I still live there, shouldn’t that have come to somebody’s attention by now?

Acting!

Rob Reiner: “Jack Nicholson himself – I’ll never forget this – when we did the courtroom scene, when Jack has that famous monologue (‘You can’t handle the truth!’) we did that scene from maybe 15 different angles before we got to him and Jack was off camera for all of these and he said he wanted to do his last. In other words, he wanted us to come around and shoot him after having shot everybody else because it would give him a chance to keep working at it.

“Now, in doing his off-camera performance for everybody else’s reaction he did it full out – every single time, full out.

“And I said, ‘Jack, save a little – save it for the time you’re gonna be on camera….’ And he says:

“‘Rob, you don’t understand. I’m an actor. I love to act, and this is a rare time when I’ve gotten really good material so I can act.'”

One Little, Two Little, Three Little Rows

[bobbojones@test parking] > select count(1) from mbta_passes;
+----------+
| count(1) |
+----------+
|   179399 |
+----------+
1 row in set (27.65 sec)

That’s just not cool.  It took 27.65 seconds to count the number of rows?  Using a small subset of test data?  On a test server that nobody else was using at the time of that query?  That is just not cool.

Remind Your Lungs How Much They Like the Taste of Air

“She is gonna call me ‘Point B’ because that way she knows that no matter what happens she can always find her way to me. And I’m gonna paint the solar system on the backs of her hands, so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say, ‘Oh, I know that like the back of my hand.'”

This poet, Sarah Kay, is absolutely, completely, and in all other ways amazing.

  1. Hand Me Downs
  2. Point B
  3. Hands
  4. Hiroshima
  5. Jellyfish
  6. And Found

Some of those are very hard to hear, so either get headphones or just be ready to turn the volume way up.

I honestly don’t think I’ve heard words that powerful since Sorkin’s West Wing.

Gary, Indiana, Let Me Say it Once Again

At first the trailer for American Teen looks like a cliché flick about life in high school. Then it becomes clear it’s a documentary about genuine cliché teens – who are cliché for a reason. It reminds me a lot of This American Life, though there’s no real connection.

You must watch the trailer, if only to hear an actual real-life high school guy say aloud in the presence of a girl, “There’s a lot of grease on the table now. Because I put my face on it.”

Mommy, My Drugs Smell

“My avatar’s dressed like a whore.” – Tina Fey, of Rock Band (the PS3 game) in Baby Mama.

Now, in the words of Nurse Roberts in My T.C.W., “Mmm.  Good show today.”

First, let’s consider the girl standing next to me on the T who spent the whole ride griping (on the phone) that her Navy boyfriend won’t tell her where he’s going on the boat.  (Note: “boat” not “ship”)  Sure, he doesn’t actually know where they’re going, ’cause the Navy doesn’t advertise the location of its fleet to anybody who asks, but that doesn’t make it any more acceptable that she doesn’t know.

Second, let’s recognize the homeless guy who called me a cracker.  Yeah.  Seriously.  He also observed that I think my drugs don’t smell.  I don’t have any idea what that means, but based on his inflection I infer it’s bad.  It would apparently be preferable if I thought my drugs smelled.  (This, incidentally, was in response to my horrific rudeness in not pounding his offered fist.)

Sweeter Words Have Never Been Written

Written on an envelope (from our leasing office) placed outside my neighbor’s door: “Before you go, here’s everything you need for an easy move.”

Hazzah!

Before too much time passes, let me please register the following ten demands for my replacement neighbor.

1. They must know how to operate keys and doorknobs, so it will not be necessary to stand in the hallway screaming for someone to let them in.

2. They must not feel it necessary to visit with every single one of their friends (and their friends’ friends) every single Friday and/or Saturday night. Alternatively, if these visits are required, they must have fewer than three friends and dislike alcohol.

3. They must consider it poor taste to leave bags of garbage in the hall outside their apartment. As an optional bonus, they should also consider it inappropriate to leave bags of garbage in the hall inside their apartment.

4. They must further understand how a garbage chute works, and in particular that one neither saves time nor achieves the goal of properly disposing of trash when one leaves a bag on the floor in front of the chute.

5. They must not, under any circumstances, set the building on fire again.

6. They must either appreciate or ignore a gift of baked goods at Christmas time. Stealing the batch made for the entire floor first thing in the morning (especially when also stealing the Tupperware) is not acceptable.

7. They must be able to tell time at least well enough to predict what time their clothes will be done drying based on the countdown displayed prominently on the front of the machine. Forcing someone else to remove their underwear (albeit clean underwear) from the dryer twenty-four hours after it finishes drying is not acceptable.

8. They must not repeatedly break up with their boyfriends in the hallway outside my door where I can hear every single word. If it’s necessary to break up with their boyfriends, they must do it from another location – preferably their own apartment, which, in accordance with #1 above, they will know how to enter.

9. They must not, during the Boston Marathon, call out any words that rhyme with “witch” when female runners pass by, even if they are preceded by the phrase, “keep running.” The word “rich” in very select sentences may be permitted, as the prize for winning the marathon is $150,000 and that may be strong encouragement.

10. They must take us on outings, give us treats. Sing songs, bring sweets. Never be cross or cruel. Never give us castor oil or gruel.

Sincerely,
Jane and Michael Banks

P.S. It wouldn’t hurt if they were uglier than me.

It’s Strangely Weird and Weirdly Strange

Dear Netflix,

The first time you tried to deliver “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium” (which was supposed to be nothing more than a casual way to spend a Wednesday evening), you mistakenly sent me a video on cancer research instead.

When I reported it, you more than made up for the error, exhibiting excellent customer service practices that left me thoroughly impressed.

“We are sorry for any inconvenience this has caused and have issued a 5% credit to your account. You don’t need to do anything. The credit will be automatically applied to your next billing statement.”

Very well done. I didn’t complain – I never even spoke with a human – and you offered compensation for your error. The correct movie showed up on Friday.

Then, when everything was perfectly well resolved, you flipped the whole thing around 540°. Yes, 540°. You shipped me another copy of the same DVD. My “At Home” list now reads:

1. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
2. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
3. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium

I was only mildly interested in seeing this movie in the first place… and I’m pretty sure I don’t need three copies of it.

Though I admit it’s very funny when the kid says, “The store is undergoing a little difficulty right now. Please leave through the front door calm and orderly. (beat) And maybe try to avoid the slimy girl!”

In conclusion, in the future I’d appreciate you sending me three different DVDs at a time.

Sincerely,
Amused But Unimpressed