Author: Ben

Ben http://benjaminfenster.com/

Hello? Online Storefront Open for Business!

I’m looking for paintings, and although I didn’t particularly plan to commission one, I stumbled upon commissionapainting.com in a search.  In principle, and in the abstract, it’s intriguing: find an artist you like and commission a new work.  Even supposing I were sold on the idea of commissioning a new painting, I’m underwhelmed by this site.

First, the banner atop the site advertises it as commission.a.painting.com which is a completely different site.  It’s a site that doesn’t exist.  And it would, if it were actually valid, be a subdomain of painting.com, which Sherwin-Williams owns.  So this site doesn’t even know its own web address.

Second, upon hitting the Search page, I scanned the list of countries showing how many artists are listed in each:

Worldwide
Canada (0)
USA (0)
Australia (0)
United Kingdom (0)
New Zealand (0)

In the immortal words of Tom Hanks in Big, “I don’t get it.”

The Asterisk of Complete Negation (2)

I’m looking for decent bug tracking software.  It’s annoyingly hard to find.  I thought I’d take a look at a product called “Pesticide 2005” which offers a demo:

Try out the full featured online installation of Pesticide 2005.*

*Note: Certain Functionalities have been deactivated in this demo

Anybody want to tell me the difference between a “feature” and a “functionality” in this context?

Is There Anything They Can’t Do?

When Denver International Airport first opened, my parents and I were delighted to discover a little pretzel shop by gate B-24 called “Auntie Anne’s.”  Even today, when I have ready access to Auntie Anne’s throughout the Boston area, I remember the exact gate in DIA where I can find the salty buttery treats.

The second time we walked up to the shop we saw an enormous line snaking across the concourse.  More striking than its length, though, was its composition: what looked like the complete flight crews from at least three or four different flights were queued up together to get their fix of Auntie’s delicious snacks before their flights carried them away.

I’d forgotten this until my return trip from Washington yesterday.  When I got to the airport I learned the earlier 4:30 flight was canceled, leaving the 5:30 and 6:30 flights inundated with standby passengers.  The gate agents were surrounded by a frustrated mob of late check-ins, stand-bys, volunteers who gave up their seats, and general riffraff desperately seeking information (which they gave readily, with great detail and pleasant smiles).  Nobody in an Airtran uniform was spared the third degree.

Finally, when the crowd had dissipated – the stand-bys off to the food court with $10 food vouchers, the volunteers off to their homes to wait for the morning’s flights, and the rest of us to our chairs to sit peacefully – a lone flight attendant emerged from the chaos.  Looking as if she’d spent her day chasing a particularly energetic child across the country, she asked one last question of the customer service agents, as one would ask water of a merchant in the desert: “Pretzels?  Pretzels?”

I thought she must surely have asked for “restrooms” until she reappeared a few minutes later holding an Auntie Anne’s bag.  “They’re sending me all over the place today; I don’t know what’s going on.  But at least by coming here I get pretzels,” she announced.

Hearing the Sights

A collection of events from Washington DC:

First, a scene at the Lincoln Memorial: A girl sits on the massive steps holding a camera in either hand, with her friend holding a third in front of her face.  “What are you talking about?  I’m smiling in all of these!” she insists in a thick Brooklyn accent.

Second, a moment at the Air and Space Museum: a man asks someone else in his party, “What’s that?”  His companion answers, “I don’t know but it has something to do with Saturn.”  This occurs beneath the full-size engine bells from the Saturn S-1C – the first stage of the Saturn V rocket that carried Apollo the moon.

Third, a moment at the Air and Space Museum: a man says, “Hehehehehehehehe!” repeatedly the entire time he explores the Apollo to the Moon exhibit.  Wait, that wasn’t overheard; that was me (and I kept it mostly in my head).  Besides seeing Columbia itself in the main hall, they have the actual flight checklists from several flights, and all manner of other genuine artificats from the Apollo age.

Plus, in the International Spy Museum I got to crawl through an actual air duct and look down at unsuspecting museum visitors.  At the time I was focused on keeping quiet in my role as Peter Wozniak the spy, but in retrospect I should have said, “Come out to the coast!  We’ll get together, have a few laughs…”

That Which is Better than Wicked

One of the best musicians I’ve heard in a long time will be performing in Middleboro next week: Ms. Kayla Ringelheim.  Of course, that’s the weekend I’ll be confined nicely within the Boston city limits (for a change).  I of course already marked her October 17th appearance (with Antje Duvekot) on my calendar.

This is the music that finally got me to stop listening to Wicked incessantly – and if you know me, you know that’s saying a lot.  Of course, you should immediately buy both her albums on iTunes.

The Sighted Leading the Blind

I applaud the Washington Metro’s film Metro Madness: Riding the Metro through a Service Dog’s Perspective – a 3.5 minute film narrated by a service dog riding the Metro.

I particularly enjoy the closing scene where a courteous and enlightened traveler steps aside to let the visually impaired Barbara walk through a fare gate, making the universal “you go ahead” gesture.  Which she can’t see.  Because she’s blind.

(Okay, she’s not completely blind.  As the film points out at the opening, “Many people don’t know that you don’t need to be completely blind to use a leader dog.”)

You ARE the Brute Squad

Something about this FAQ entry amuses me:

Q.  Whom should I notify in the event I cannot appear for juror service?

A. You may call the juror information number (1-800-THE-JURY)…

If you have any trouble, just call The Jury.  There’s only one, and it has an 800 number.

That’s right – three months after I informed the State of Vermont I couldn’t serve on a jury in a state that’s four hours away, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts offered to put me to good use.  I’m even 30% sure they’re aware I’m qualified to serve here based on their e-mail response to me:

The Office of Jury Commissioner has received your submission confirming that you are qualified for juror service, and that you do not wish to change your service date or location.  Your submission will be processed shortly.  In 1-2 business days you will receive a notification that your confirmation has been processed.  Approximately 10 days prior to your scheduled service we will mail you a Reminder Notice.

It’s really quite clear. First they sent me a confirmation that I’ve submitted confirmation of qualification, but some time in the future they’ll send me a confirmation notification that they’ve processed my confirmation of qualification successfully.

Despite the awkward wording and the somewhat retro site design, I give Massachusetts big points for integrating Google Maps.  After entering my badge number to get to the inner website I found a link to get directions to the courthouse.  I expected at best a map with a star where the courthouse is, but found instead point-to-point directions from my apartment.  This is a government website.  They know where I live.

Never a Free Lunch

I believe two things.  First, we are entitled to a high degree of customer service every time we interact with a business.  Second, most complaints about poor service are born of unreasonably high expectations, ignorance, poor logic, or some combination of the three.

When I worked at the Residence Inn I faced a number of severely irate guests who we’d had to “walk” – that is, offer them a free night’s stay at another hotel because we’d overbooked.  They were furious that we couldn’t honor their reservation, even though without asking we were paying for their stay elsewhere.  Why not take the free room in peace?

I tried booking a ticket on LimoLiner for my return trip from New York last week.  It’s a luxury bus service I’ve never tried before featuring on-board Internet, meals, entertainment, and other amenities.  Unfortunately they called and e-mailed eight hours before the trip to announce the bus had broken down and they’d be refunding my ticket.  I could find alternate transportation, or I could get a free ride from them on a “replacement vehicle.”

I opted for the free ride, rather than take time out of my stay to call Amtrak.  Admittedly I regret that decision, and would have been much happier on the train, even if it took time to arrange.  The woman sitting behind me, however, talked on the phone as though she’d been tied to the roof and dragged home in the pouring rain.  She’ll never ride LimoLiner again.  Me, I’ll give them another try – I’ll just be sure to make alternate arrangements if they cancel another trip on me, which they made it easy to do by notifying me well in advance and automatically refunding my ticket.

There are legitimate customer concerns.  Vincent Ferrari’s infamous AOL cancellation recording two years ago got huge attention online (with a splash of NBC fame) by showing how hard it can be to achieve even a simple account cancellation.  The infamous Verizon Math call illustrates the need for billing agents to know basic arithmetic.  Anybody you ask will have a story about how hard it was to understand the thick accent of a “support specialist” overseas.

Screaming and yelling about routine failures leaves us no ammunition when a genuine problem occurs.  If LimoLiner had canceled my trip outright and left me stranded in New York, unable to find an alternate route home (unlikely as that is), how could I have expressed the severity of the problem or my displeasure when screaming over the phone would have instantly lumped me together with the whiners out to score a free lunch?

Computer, Write a Blog Post For Me

I just watched WALL-E: a movie whose plot includes a future where humans are so lazy we require robots to do our every chore, right down to letting us converse with the people immediately beside us without moving our eyes.

Afterward, I went into the bathroom to wash the artificial butter from my hands by holding them under the motion sensitive faucet and then the motion sensitive dryer.  Then I just stepped on the escalator downstairs to go home.

The irony is not lost on me.

Now, Later, Soon

Sophie: I’m gonna watch Snow White!
Me: Wow, you’re gonna watch Snow White again?
Sophie: Yeah!

She suddenly remembers she just got new studio portraits, and cuts me off from my reply.

Sophie: I got pictures!
Me:  I know, I saw them!  Do you know that I’m gonna come see you later on your birthday?

A thud is heard as the phone falls to the ground.  Uh oh.

Sophie (yelling in the background):  BEN’S COMING!

Uh oh.  I hear rapid footsteps as she runs to the window to look for me.  Uh oh, uh oh. I just accidentally lied by saying I was coming and then not showing up right away.  Blërg!

Lesson Learned:  Do not tell Sophie something will happen “later” unless it is imminent.