Author: Ben

Ben http://benjaminfenster.com/

This Post Brought to You Faster by FedEx

FedEx just earned huge points for their commercial on Hulu.  We see what appears to be a FedEx commercial playing, but it’s clearly on fast forward, complete with the wavy lines and faint squealing reminiscent of VCR tapes.  The narrator says:

Instead of our commercial, go ahead and watch your video now.  We understand.  Your time is valuable.

The line reads:

This content brought to you faster by FedEx.

The ad runs for a short ten seconds.  Whether it’s really shorter than usual ads or just feels shorter, FedEx succeeds entirely.

After an unfortunate experience with a particular FedEx agent around Christmas that drove me to their competitors, I will now absolutely be doing my shipping with them, if only to reward them for the brilliant marketing.

Incidentally, it doesn’t appear possible to deliberately watch a commercial over again on Hulu.  Perhaps they didn’t think anyone would ever want to.

The Boston Water Party?

A blurb on page B4 of this morning’s Boston Globe reads:

Members of Think Outside the Bottle took their message to the waterfront yesterday…. Hayley Ryan and Colleen Arnold dumped bottled water into Boston Harbor … to protest the large-scale consumption of bottled water.

Of all the Boston Tea Party reenactments (and there are many), I imagine this one has the interesting distinction of actually making the harbor marginally cleaner.

SELECT * FROM insanity LIMIT ∞

This was just unearthed in an application someone else (who shall remain nameless) built just about two years ago.  It’s reformatted to fit here, but otherwise unchanged.

$result = mysql_query("SELECT * FROM table_name"
    . " WHERE  id >= '" . mysql_real_escape_string($_POST['id'])
    . "' ORDER BY  `id` ASC LIMIT 0 , 1");

if ( !($row = mysql_fetch_array($result, MYSQL_ASSOC)) ) {
    $result = mysql_query("SELECT * FROM table_name"
        . " WHERE  id >= '1'"
        . " ORDER BY  `id` ASC LIMIT 0 , 1");
    $row = mysql_fetch_array($result, MYSQL_ASSOC);
}

So… we start by selecting all rows with id >= 27, then limit the results to only the first one… which should be id = 27.

Of course, if I ask for an id that’s not really in the database, I’ll now get some arbitrary other row that happens to be numbered next.  Plus, if we didn’t get any rows from the first query, we try again starting from ‘1’, thus returning whatever row we happen to find.

This is just awesome.

Google’s Finally Invented Something that Works

Google Maps has finally introduced the one feature it’s needed most since the site first came into being: it shows all the places that match your search at once, instead of just ten at a time.

Suppose you search for Dunkin Donuts in Boston, MA.  They’re everywhere, of course.  You still get only ten pin icons, labeled A through J, but now tiny circles dot the entire map to identify every location in the city.  Clicking any dot will produce the same “speech bubble” full of details you’d expect from any other map icon.

Apparently Google put this in over a month ago, but I haven’t noticed it until now.

Home is Where the Sight Is

After my disastrous visit to an ophthalmologist last year who informed me I shouldn’t be able to see any better than I did, I tried a new doctor this year (for the one optical visit my insurance will cover), and this time was told that ordinary glasses can still correct my vision to 20/20.

Armed with my new prescription, I began a tour of optical shops seeking a newer, better, faster pair of glasses.

My search began at LensCrafters, where I immediately found three or four attractive frames I could easily have bought, but having left my prescription at home (oops) I couldn’t buy anything yet.

After I left, a wave of civic pride overtook me for no particular reason.  I live in a major city!  I pass two local optical shops on my way home, and surely downtown I’d find dozens of wonderful local stores that could sell me a wonderful pair of glasses — and perhaps even for less money, if I dare to dream.

I tried the store adjacent to my new ophthalmologist’s office, but found their prices too high, even before I looked at frames.  I tried Cambridge EyeDoctors, though as I mentioned earlier, their marketing leaves much to be desired.  So did their selection of frames.

At every store, I rattled off my basic requirements: high-index Transitions™ lenses, anti-reflective coating, possibly in a “half rim” frame.  At the first place this earned me a price estimate for the lenses.  At the next, the announcement merely hung, unanswered, in the dark, still air of the shop.  I tried on frames halfheartedly toward the end, slowly discovering that the designer frames I’d seen in LensCrafters were elsewhere replaced by the optical equivalent of Shaw’s brand foods.

On the surface, I don’t care what designer crafted my glasses or my clothes.  What matters is that I like how I look.  However, the famous designers got famous specifically because they design things that look good.  Brooks Brothers created the frames I’ve had for three years, and none of the “off brands” I found this year looked even half as good.

Eventually, driven by the life-altering experience of having watched Dan Gilbert’s TEDtalk years ago, I made a decision.  I had not found the perfect pair of glasses, but I knew that continuing the quest further would only make me less happy in the end.  I picked decent frames, and committed to them.

The saleslady took my measurements, dutifully recorded my prescription and my lens preferences, and then as I was about to hand over my credit card, finally revealed the price: fully $150 more than I’d seen anywhere else!  The lenses alone were more expensive than an entire pair of glasses should cost.  And they wouldn’t be ready for more than a week.

I canceled the order.

So I found myself back at LensCrafters — a new location, but the same branding I’ve known for a decade.  There was the lab right at the back of the store where it should be!  There, to my right, was the entire section of “clean and simple” designs that so perfectly suit my tastes.  There was even a pair of Brooks Brothers frames that was obviously a modernized version of what I was already wearing!

My favorite moment came just as I began to browse.  Asked for my lens preferences, I responded with the same list I’d given everywhere else: high-index, Transitions™, anti-reflective coating.  For the first time, someone said, “Really?  You don’t need high-index lenses with your prescription.”

When I insisted that LensCrafters staff had encouraged it last time, they warily keyed my name into the computer.  Two search results appeared: one with my last address, and one with the address before that.  The entire history of my eyewear sat before me in LensCrafters’ computer.  One click revealed exactly what had happened three years ago in another store hundreds of kilometers away.

“Oh, I see.  You have a mid-index lens.  That’s just what we called our regular polycarbonate material back then.  It’s much cheaper, and it’s exactly what you’ll need this time too.”

Ahhh.  LensCrafters.  It’s like coming home again.

There Is No Error

I somehow ended up with a United Airlines ticket that lacked my “Mileage Plus” (frequent flyer) number.  Fortunately, one can ostensibly add their account number through a simple webpage.  This is the result:

There Is No Error

Uhh…

Blërg.

Predictive Credit Card Statements

I want to see a “predicted balance” feature on my online credit card statement.  This would include not only my transactions to date but also any recurring transactions expected later in the month.

Already my credit card balance is an excellent budgeting tool, since I make all my purchases with my card.  Assuming I’ve budgeted $1,000 to spend this month, seeing that I’ve spent $700 so far should mean that I have $300 still available.  Small children can explain this math.

The trouble is that of my hypothetical $1,000 budget, a hypothetical $100 is allocated to recurring purchases like Netflix and Boston Globe subscriptions, or Internet access and web hosting.  Since these bills all get charged at different times, I can’t be sure whether my $700 balance accounts for my subscriptions or not.  I might have $300 available, or I might have as little as $200 if none of my bills have come in yet.  I can’t be sure without looking through the complete list of transactions.

Instead, I should be able to name my monthly purchases in advance.  My “predicted balance” would then start at $100 after I pay my bill.  When I charge a $23 pizza, it would go up to $123, but when Netflix charges $18 it would stay the same.  By the end of the month, the predicted balance should match the actual balance, and I can delight in my excellent planning skills.

The Social Life of Small Urban Spaces

William H. Whyte did extensive research in 1980 on what makes city plazas popular or unpopular.  He published a book called The Social Life of Small Urban Spaces detailing his team’s findings, which are, generally, fascinating.

There’s a companion video, which is surprisingly difficult to find.  Direct Cinema Limited sells a DVD for $95 licensed for public performances, but no ordinary (and cheap) “home use” copy seems to be available online.

Fortunately, through the magic of YouTube, you can watch the first 10 minutes, which will make you want to immediately pay the $95 for your own copy.  My favorite remark in that introduction:

The number one activity is people looking at other people.

Here are the “girl watchers.”  They’re a bit disdainful, looking down their noses as though the girls aren’t worth their talents.  But it’s all machismo.  We have never ever seen a girl watcher make a pass at a girl.  We’ve seen very few others do that for that matter.

But of course!  They’re girl watchers.  Actually talking to a girl would inhibit their ability to watch them!

(via Kottke)

1 + 1 is 872

In the era before online searches and instant information, airline fares defied comprehension.  Travelers, through their travel agent, would learn universally that they, like everyone else aboard a given airplane, had overpaid.

Gone are those days!

Now if I want to fly to Phoenix, I can learn instantly that US Airways is the only carrier with non-stop service from Boston.  Instantly too can I learn what they charge for the route.

Flight 654 to Phoenix + Flight 220 to Boston: $399 plus taxes and fees

And instantly once more I can learn what one of those segments costs if I want to fly US Airways in only one direction:

Flight 654 to Phoenix.  $872 plus taxes and feex.

Blërg.

A one-way flight is more than double the price of the round trip on the same dates.

It’s a good thing we have computers.

I Believe That Children Are Our Future

Milton J. Valenca and Jenna Nierstedt write in this morning’s Boston Globe:

Nearly half to the 200 Boston teenagers interviewed for an informal poll said pop star Rihanna was responsible for the beating she allegedly took at the hands of her boyfriend, fellow music star Chris Brown, in February.

Of those questioned, ages 12 to 19, 71 percent said that arguing was a normal part of a relationship; 44 percent said fighting was a routine occurrence.