Author: Ben

Ben http://benjaminfenster.com/

“Compensation” for Services Rendered

I spent a short while watching Craigslist for website “gigs” — people who just need quick help putting together a website. I gave up after I got to this ad:

PLEASE help me “create” a school transcript ASAP

I need a transcript constructed that looks as official as possible from my school. I need it to show that I got all A’s and B’s on the classes that I enrolled in and subsequently did not attend in favor of working on my blossoming career in show bid’ness.

…

If it is done properly, I can promise you that the “compensation” will be more than adequate!

I find having the word “compensation” in quotes to be the most alarming.

Reporting as Ordered?

It may be time to start telling some stories from the trial where I served as a juror last year. Here was one of my favorite moments from one day’s testimony:

Prosecutor: Your honor, the government calls Robert Smith.

(A man walks up to the witness stand, turns to face the courtroom, and raises his right hand.)

Courtroom Manager: Do you swear the testimony you’re about to give will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Witness: I do.

(beat)

Prosecutor: (confused) Umm… your honor?  I don’t think this is our witness.  I mean… that isn’t Robert Smith…

Judge: (to the witness) What’s your name?

Witness: (brightly) Jacob Mitchell!

Judge: You’re excused.

That was the first and last time we ever saw Mr. Mitchell. He hadn’t just entered out of sequence; he was never called as a witness for either side. One might suppose he had walked into the wrong courtroom, but all jurors have to check in with a bailiff to get into the building, and the bailiff that morning had specifically commented that we were the only sitting jury in the courthouse all day.

Perhaps Mr. Mitchell just woke up that morning and thought, “I think I’ll go tell the truth about some stuff today.”

Obesity’s Beginnings

I stopped at a local coffee shop to get breakfast this morning, and at first was the only customer inside. A skinny man walked in behind me and had this exchange with the staff:

Man: I’d like a dozen bagels.

Clerk #1: That’ll be $8.50

Clerk #2: (starting to grab bagels) Is this for here or to go?

Nope. I’m just really hungry. Here’s your sign.

Federated Republic of Colorado?

I’ve been looking for a map of Colorado, and this is the one Amazon recommended for me:

The Other Colorado

The Other Colorado

First, hasn’t Colorado historically been a bit… squarer? Second, what aspects of a map make “Home, Garden & Pets” an appropriate category? And third, how large is this map that it costs $117?

Lightning Strikes Twice

I’ve always understood that big buildings use lightning rods to attract lightning strikes away from smaller buildings nearby, but understanding that in theory isn’t the same as seeing it in action in this photograph that Alain Aguilar contributed to The Big Picture last week (of a storm in May):

Lightning, from The Big Picture

Lightning, from The Big Picture

The entire series of storm pictures is fascinating.

Mila’s Daydreams

"Up!"

"UP!"

While baby Mila Enersen is sleeping, her mother imagines what Mila might be dreaming and enacts it in reality.

She might be a rock star, be surrounded by giant candy, or have an imaginary friend. Mrs. Enersen explains, “I use only few minutes per picture, including creating idea, implementation and editing, ’cause I don’t want to disturb her sleeping and most of my time is for my family.”

This reminds me of an Eddie from Ohio song titled Hey Little Man (recreated there by Madrigals at the Messiah Methodist Bazaar).

"A Space Odyssey 2010"

"A Space Odyssey 2010"

Are you gonna dream about the colors of the rainbow and the pot of gold that’s waiting at the end

May luck be by your side and the spirit be your guide

And may you know the blessing and may you know the joy and may you know the love of a true friend

(via Kottke)

Fragile?

When I moved across the country earlier this year, I bought comprehensive “we’ll replace anything that’s damaged” insurance from Mayflower, but opted for a $250 deductible.

Then this happened:

Mayflower Fail

Mayflower Fail

I don’t know what happened on the road, but after watching the way my movers were plopping these “Fragile” boxes on the floor, I’m not surprised they’re torn up.

In the end I lost about $250 of assorted belongings, which conveniently means that if I filed a claim I’d get nothing but Mayflower’s sympathies.

My advice: pay slightly more and go without the deductible.

Cuckoo’s Egg

Clifford Stoll wrote The Cuckoo’s Egg in 1989, telling the true story of how he started investigating 75¢ of computer time nobody had paid for and ended up catching an international hacker passing through his computers to gain access to military secrets. The classic story is a fascinating mix of technical detail and the thrilling action of hunting an invisible criminal through the phone lines.

My favorite passage, though, comes at the very end. After the overseas spy is caught and brought to justice, another hacker slips into Stoll’s system and for a moment the whole process starts over again. Stoll writes:

He got in through an unprotected astronomy computer run by a couple of infrared astronomers. They didn’t care about security . . . they just needed to connect to the network. Because I exchange programs with them, we’d set up our systems to work as one—you didn’t need a password to move from their computer to mine.

…

A couple days later the SOB called me. Said his name was Dave. From Australia. “I broke in to show that your security isn’t very good.”

“But I don’t want to secure my computer,” I replied. “I trust other astronomers.”

And that’s the moral, as true today as in the 1980s. We don’t want to secure most systems. Certainly I wouldn’t want my online bank account accessible to common thieves, but a database of research or a casual blog shouldn’t require elaborate protective measures.

This is just as true in the physical world. I wouldn’t put my valuables in a bank vault with no lock, but the classroom doors where I went to college were always open.

Unfortunately, in software0 leaving any door unlocked can grant access to resources beyond the application itself, so we sink a fortune into securing even the most trivial of software against all imaginable attacks. That’s a high price to pay for protection against the pranks of mischievous hackers.

Homer Fenster

When I changed the channel to see which episode of The Simpsons was on tonight, Sophie got excited immediately. She leapt up and announced:

It’s Homer Fenster!

Uh oh. That can’t be good.

For Freestanding Emergencies Only

I recently took my first trip on Southwest Airlines, with my first layover in Chicago Midway. It’s a fairly mundane airport, really, though anyone who’s seen the show Airline will recognize the scenery.

While strolling down the concourse, however, these doors caught my attention:

For Emergency Only

For Emergency Only

Beside the completely open passageway spanning the entire width of the concourse are two tiny doors to be used “For Emergency Only.” Please, in a calm and orderly manner, move over to the right, open the door, and step through.

(Full disclosure: a gap in the ceiling suggests a gate can be lowered across the concourse to seal it off, but this does not make a freestanding “emergency only” door any less hilarious.)