Returning from my first trip to Las Vegas, I can now make several important observations.  The fifth is this:

Play Craps

Craps turns out to be an excellent game for those who don’t ordinarily care to gamble — especially at The Mirage in the morning, when they have $5 limit tables for every sort of game.

My only prior gambling experience has been at Monopoly penny slots in Central City, Colorado.  While a spin for “20 lines” costs only 20¢, odds are good that you’ll win something.  Interactive bonus games appear occasionally, usually awarding $20 or $30 at a time for a single 20¢ investment.  I usually start with $20 in the machine and leave after a few hours with nothing, thus buying myself hours of entertainment for less than a movie and popcorn.

Being in Vegas for the first time, though, I wanted to try some table games.  Movie characters in need of money are always rushing their life savings to the roulette wheel, where they put it all on “red,” and I wanted to try it out.  At roulette, I won $10 on “black” and then immediately lost it on “even.”  It’s fun if you win, but there’s no strategy to it.

Blackjack is all strategy.  My girlfriend and I each won about $30, but found the game more methodical than exciting.  Where we really got hooked was at craps: there’s constant action, but you can make your money last as long as you want.

Put a $5 chip on the “Pass Line” and it’s possible you’ll win or lose on a single roll — 7 or 11 to win; 2, 3, or 12 to lose.  It’s much more likely that some other number will come up, and that’s when the game really gets going.  The shooter (whoever has the dice) will try to roll the same number again before rolling a 7.  No other numbers matter.  While the shooter rolls perhaps dozens of times, your $5 chip just sits there, neither winning nor losing.

Experienced players can place a lot of other bets while waiting around for that outcome.  You might bet on “the field” — that a 2, 3, 4, 9, 10, 11, or 12 will come up on the very next roll.  A win pays even money.  You could also make a bet with higher odds.  Bet that a 7 will come up next, and if it does you’ll win 4 to 1.  As in any game, there are good bets and bad bets.  Craps even boasts one of the only bets in Vegas with no house advantage.

What I like best about it is that everyone at the table is betting on the same throw of the dice.  While we were betting the minimum $5, the man beside us was making the same bet for $50 at a time.  At the other end of the table was a man plopping $100 chips all over the table.

While I was shooting at one point, he called for $100 on “hard 6” — betting that I’d roll a pair of 3s (that’s “6 the hard way”) before rolling some other type of 6 or rolling a 7.  And I did!  I won $5 on that roll.  He won over $1,000.  It was at that point that I started getting $50 tips — the tips from other players far exceeding what I was winning from the casino.

It’s possible to gamble stupidly and lose a lot of money all at once — as we now know from experience — but it’s also possible to play quite conservatively for hours at a time.  I liked to win a little money from the casino, and then bet that money on some longer odds.  That way losing would leave me no worse off, but a win would pay a huge sum.

We still played some Monopoly after that, sometimes winning more at the penny slots than we did at the tables, but the excitement of throwing a pair of dice down the table and making everyone money on the outcome won me over entirely.

Returning from my first trip to Las Vegas, I can now make several important observations.  The fourth is this:

Keep to the West

On our first night in Vegas, we walked up and down the strip from the Venetian to the Bellagio and back, trying out both sides of the street.  The changing mood from one block to the next tells how diverse the visitors are.

When planning our Vegas trip as a romantic Valentine’s Day getaway (that just happened to occur in September), I chose the Venetian as the best place to stay.  I’m told it was a good choice.

Walking in front of the hotel, classical music plays out over wide sidewalks, keeping guests immersed in the romantic atmosphere of Venice for the whole length of the hotel.  The effect isn’t as seamless as the music in Disney’s parks, but we definitely noticed it.

Crossing into the next block was like entering an entirely different world.  Loud music wafted out from casino floors that directly abutted the sidewalk, where free slot machines on the street offered promotional chips to entice people inside.  The ubiquitous smell of cigarette smoke was replaced with the even less pleasant aroma of cigars, and the sidewalks were narrow and packed with drunken tourists toting half-empty beer mugs.

At one corner I saw a woman performing a job that must be offered only in Vegas: standing there.  The casino wanted to call attention to a motorcycle (presumably because they were giving it away).  Feeling that the motorcycle itself wasn’t noticeable enough, they stationed a half-naked woman beside it all night, paid to simply stand there and divert the gaze of passersby.  Although I’m sure dealing with drunken tourists makes the job as challenging as any other, its description must have been incredible: “Duties: stand on sidewalk.”

For blocks, a long line of men stood with stacks of what look (at a distance) like baseball cards, flicking them loudly with their fingers to fill the street with a cacophony of clicks before offering the cards to every man, woman, and child passing by.  We didn’t take any, but saw them littering the the ground so densely that the pavement was often invisible.  On each leaflet: a different naked woman.  Given the illegality of certain “stronger” acts of nudity, I assume these were advertising either 900 numbers or strip clubs, though we never really stopped to investigate.

After watching the Fountains of Bellagio, we walked back up the west side of the strip to Treasure Island. It’s much better over there.  The tourists on the west side of the street were less drunk and more greedy.  The porn pushers on the east side seemed to find little value in crossing the street, and the cigar smokers kept away too.  Plus: the hotels just look nicer.

Throughout Vegas, I recognized three main groups of visitors.

First were the wealthy older gentlemen (and they were mostly men) who found themselves so bored of their money they wanted to gamble with it.  This crowd tossed black, $100 chips onto the tables as though they were the only currency available.  I almost never caught sight of them outside a casino.  One man came up beside us at the craps table and immediately had four different pit bosses come over to shake his hand.

Second were the young women (almost exclusively women) who had unfortunately forgotten critical portions of their outfits at home.  In town not for the craps tables, but the nightclub dance floors, they believed (correctly, I imagine) that their chances of getting in stood in direct proportion to the amount of their skin they exposed.  Since Las Vegas permits open containers along the strip, they and their escorts were usually holding drinks about the size of my arm.

Third were the fat, slovenly Americans — usually couples — who dominated the area in front of the Bellagio, Ceasar’s Palace, and The Mirage.  They didn’t come to Las Vegas, Nevada.  They came to Sin City, USA.  Looking for loose slots, all-you-can-eat buffets, and the gilded opulence of some of the Vegas resorts, they were everywhere at once — inside and outside — and usually in the way.

Plenty of people fell outside these groups, of course — casual tourists like my girlfriend and me, business executives in town for conferences, and Vegas locals having a night out on the town.  But watching the Big Three all mingling together in the same spaces was fascinating.

Just stay away from the east side of the strip.

Returning from my first trip to Las Vegas, I can now make several important observations.  The third is this:

Avoid The Sirens of Torture Island

Good experiences aren’t all about high prices. We went twice to see The Fountains of Bellagio, playing first (at night) a piece called Winter Games by David Foster, and second (during the day) Viva Las Vegas by Mr. Elvis Presley.

I could happily have gone back a dozen more times.  Of all the quintessential Vegas experiences, this was one of only a few that lived up to my every expectation.

In the conservatory inside the Bellagio, there’s a small model of the hotel, and in front of it miniature fountains that perform miniature dances.  This adorable touch cemented my perception of the Bellagio as a center of elegance in Vegas.

After seeing the Fountains the first night, we also stopped at Treasure Island to watch The Sirens of T.I. despite having been warned against it.

I knew in the first 30 seconds I didn’t need to keep watching, but by then the crowd had closed in around us and leaving would have demanded powers beyond our abilities. (People behind us foolishly tried to push their way through the crowd, cursing the whole time, but of course it was futile.)

We stayed for the entire show, as my brain cells killed themselves off voluntarily rather than suffer any more exposure to the event.

The plot has brave and daring pirates fighting to reclaim their captured crewman from the dangerous if lascivious sirens.  The pirates lob cannon shells at the siren ship, breaking it in pieces.  The sirens, in response (and I swear I am not making this up), do a little dance and threaten to put on lipstick.  The pirate ship then, for no adequately explored reason, sinks.

This show is new, replacing Battle of Buccaneer Bay, which I’m told was much better.  Allegedly the new show appeals to older audiences due to its increased number of scantily clad women.  As a straight man, by all accounts in favor of women being scantily clad, I can assure you that it does nothing to improve the experience.  We kept away from Treasure Island entirely for the rest of our stay.

Returning from my first trip to Las Vegas, I can now make several important observations.  The second is this:

Do Not, Under Any Circumstances, Pay to See CSI: The Experience

We visited the MGM Grand briefly specifically so we could see CSI: The Experience.  Note that I do not offer a link to the attraction’s website, to prevent someone inadvertently buying a ticket.

The description on the MGM Grand’s website reads:

Play the role of a crime scene investigator in this exciting interactive challenge: 3 murders, 15 lab stations, 15 suspects, 3 killers.  Examine bullet casings, match DNA to potential suspects, identify the source of a single strand of hair as you complete the investigation process.  Complete with two state-of-the-art forensic crime labs and dazzling special effects, this new hands-on experience is sure to plunge guests deep into the heart of the action.

Let’s set the record straight.  First of all, you only get to work on one murder, not three.  After choosing which one, you’ll get to study the crime scene — a hands-off mock-up with no human interaction. We took copious notes, as instructed, drawing every detail of the scene on our clipboards in elaborate detail.

Then you’ll proceed to the “state-of-the-art crime lab.”  Most of the stations there were computer touch screens, which stepped through the appropriate analysis by asking us to press “Next” repeatedly.  A few were hands-on activities highly reminiscent of a children’s museum.  At one, for example, we could pick up tire tread impressions, looking for a match against a steel cast taken from the scene.  Only one was remotely close.

At each station, visitors are asked to fill in answers on a worksheet.  My favorite question was this, pertaining to the autopsy:

Toxicology strongly suggests she was _____ before she was run over.

It’s a fill-in-the-blank question!  How quaint!  To answer it, listen to the coroner deliver his report in a video.  At the end, he says (verbatim, filling in the blank):

Toxicology strongly suggests she was dead before she was run over.

The experience costs $30 per person — as much as cheap seats at a lot of the major shows.

Based on the description, I expected something more like Operation: Spy at the International Spy Museum in Washington DC.  The setup there is similar: you’re a spy, tracking clues on an important case overseas.

Operation: Spy, by contrast, is highly interactive.  Visitors start by rushing into a dark tunnel and overloading a security system by systematically arranging a series of fuses.  The handlers offer no guidance, and visitors can’t move on until the task is complete.

At one point we riffled through the drawers in a diplomat’s office looking for secret documents, taking care not to disturb the room and thus risk getting caught.  We then fled into a truck which, through the magic of motion simulation, drove us to a  different location.  En route, we administered a polygraph test, asking a subject direct yes/no questions (entirely of our choosing) by video phone.

Tickets to that experience — which was very entertaining — are only $16 per person.

For shame, MGM.