A lot of credit cards now offer an “Annual Summary,” detailing how much money you’ve spent throughout the year on merchandise, travel, food, services, et cetera.  My card issuer sent out an e-mail asking us to call customer service to enroll.  It’s strange that we can’t enroll online, but it’s no big deal.  The call was simple:

Call #3:

(I key in my card number when prompted, and say my “phone password” aloud: “Socrates”)

Harry: Hello, my name is Harry.  How can I help you?
Me:  I’d like to enroll in the Annual Summary program, please.

Harry:  Would like a paper copy, or do you want the report online?
Me:  Online, please.

Harry:  One moment… Okay, sir, you are enrolled.  Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me:  Nope; that’s it.  Thank you for your help!

See?  That was really easy.  But what’s that “Call #3” heading doing up there?  Smeg.  Now we have to travel back in time 30 minutes to see what happened earlier.

Call #1:

(I key in my card number when prompted.  The system doesn’t ask for my password.)

Agent:  Hello, my name is Mumble-Mumble.  How can I help you?
Me:  I’d like to enroll in the Annual Summary program, please.

Agent: What is the password on your account?
Me:  Socrates:  S-O-C-R-A-T-E-S
Agent: No, that’s not it.  I’ll give you a hint: it starts with “S” and it’s either your mother’s maiden name, or your best friend’s last name.

(I apologize profusely to whomever I might be forgetting, but I can’t think of a single “best friend” whose last name begins with an S.  More to the point, I’d never choose an actual name for that kind of question, so even if all my friends were named Smith, Schmidt, Sutherland, and Samson, I’d still have given Socrates as my answer.)

Me:  I’m still pretty sure it’s Socrates.  If it’s not that, I have no idea what it could be.

Agent:  Could you verify the amount of your last transaction with this card?
Me:  Yes, I used it this afternoon to order pizza from Eddie’s Pizza, for $23.19.
Agent:  No, that’s not it.  I’ll give you a hint: it was for $68.72.
Me:  (pause) Okay… I went to Star Market on Friday and spent about that much…
Agent:  No, that’s not it.  I’ll give you a hint: it was on October 24th.

(First of all, she’s claiming I haven’t used my credit card in almost a month.  Second, by this time I’ve opened my account online and I’m looking at my complete transaction history.)

Me:  That transaction was from the Cheesecake Factory.
Agent:  I’ll give you a hint: it was from some sort of cake place.
Me:  Yes, the Cheesecake Factory.  I spent $68.72 there on October 24th.

Agent:  Okay.  Are you calling from your home phone number?
Me: Yes.
Agent:  I will terminate this call now, and call you back at your home telephone number to verify your identity.

Stunned silence.  The phone rings almost immediately.

Call #2:

Me:  Hello again.
Agent:  Hello, this is Mumble-Mumble calling.

<snip> (We repeat some stuff from the last call.  She verifies my home address.  She verifies my social security number.  Eventually, she starts to enroll me for the annual summary.)

Agent:  I’m having some technical problems. What I suggest is you terminate this call, and then call back.  Is there anything else I can help you with?

Me: (silently, in my head): What do you mean, anything else?

My favorite part of this is that my password really was Socrates the entire time.  We know this because it worked fine on the third call.  Also because I know how I would choose such a password, and it’s inconceivable it would have been anything else.

(This is almost verbatim, by the way.  I naturally made up amounts and dates and such, but the exchange was, sadly, real.)