Month: June 2008

A Truth by Any Other Name

From Radiolab, Paul Ekman describes his definition of lying:

A lie is a deliberate choice to mislead a target without any notification.

According to that definition an actor is not a liar, although… I saw a good actor last night in a play and I was for a time misled.  I even had tears because he had misled me.  But I was notified.

My wife taught me what I’m supposed to say when she comes in with a new dress – I’m not supposed to say, “Gee, that’s not a flattering cut,” or, “the color is wrong,” or, “that’s for someone twenty years younger,” all of which might be true.  I’m supposed to say, “Smashing!”  So I’ve agreed to those rules, and since we’ve agreed about that I’m not lying.

May Cause Arguments Among Wagon Wheel Owners

I forgot that interspersed with the plot in When Harry Met Sally are vignettes of elderly couples on a couch recounting how they met. For example:

Her: “We fell in love in high school.”
Him: “Yeah, we were high school sweethearts.”

Her: “But then after our Junior year his parents moved away.”
Him: “But I never forgot her.”
Her: (smirking) “He never forgot me.”

Him: “Her face was burned on my brain. And it was 34 years later that I was walking down Broadway and I saw her come out of Toffenetti’s.”
Her: “We both looked at each other and it was just as though not a single day had gone by.”
Him: “She was just as beautiful as she was at 16.”
Her: “He was just the same. He looked exactly the same!”

This is just reminiscent of the scene in Gilmore Girls (Say Something, episode 5.14) where Sookie tries to soothe Lorelai by recounting a romantic story.

Sookie: “I heard about this couple on one of those morning show, similar to you guys – all lovey-dovey, perfect for each other, you know, headed for marriage – and something happened, and they broke up in their senior year of college, even though they were madly in love with each other. They moved to different parts of the country. They married different people. Oh, had kids, grandkids. Then their spouses died, oh, and they were available again, and they talked and they hooked up, and now they’re together and they’re happily in love after forty years apart.”

Lorelai: “That’s a horrible story!”

And finally, Common Sense Media cautions parents about these clips. Besides the obvious warning about the famous orgasm scene, they also note:

The short vignettes highlight long-lasting, loving relationships. May create unrealistic romantic expectations for teens.

Imagined Perfection

A gallery of pictures of phone sex operators with short interviews:

“To the caller, when I first answer, I am the inanimate Barbie. They do not know what I look like, who I am or how I feel. They can only imagine. It is my job to indulge their fantasies, to convince them that I am not a doll. I am their dream turned real. I view every question the caller asks me as a command for me to transform. If they ask if I am blonde, I become a blonde. … I breathe life into their fantasy, I carve the doll out of flesh.”

(via Kottke)

Are You the Gatekeeper?

I maintain an application whose data gets updated once a year from a FileMaker Pro file that’s edited throughout the year on local computers.  This admittedly makes very little sense, but it is nonetheless so.

Every year the import process produces new and unexpected strangeness.  This year, attempting to open the file produces this error:

Microsoft Office is not able to run FileMaker Pro at this time. Verify that FileMaker Pro has been installed correctly on this machine.

First of all, FileMaker Pro is correctly installed, as evidenced by the fact that I used it last year successfully.  Moreover, though, why exactly is it necessary for Microsoft Office to run the application for me?  Is Microsoft Office running my other applications, like an elevator attendant who adopts the laborious task of pressing buttons for passengers?  If so, could Microsoft Office kindly let my other applications run themselves?

Your Motivational Slogans Leave Something to Be Desired

Upon someone new entering the room:

Her: “I want to arm wrestle you!”
Him: “I’m leaving right now though.”
Her: “Wait, come back! I don’t even know who you are! You have to arm wrestle me!”

Upon finding a taker and beginning to arm wrestle:

Her: (yelling as one would yell “I’ll never give in!”) “I will not divorce you for tax settlement purposes!”

– Things said at parties

Ain’t No Monorail and There Never Was

Found in the previous version of an application I recently replaced:

if ($print_year > 2005) {$print_year–;}

I can’t get out of my head the scene in State and Main where Joseph Turner White (Philip Seymour Hoffman) is studying a banner in the school gymnasium reading “Waterford Huskies, Division Champions 1971 1972 1973 1974 1976 1977.” He asks, “What happened in 1975?”

A Powerful Weapon in Concentration Fights

According to the Globe (June 19, 2008) a man back in December 2007 shined a green laser into the cockpit of a police helicopter, forcing the pilot to take evasive action. He was formally charged yesterday. What struck me particularly was the description of the laser:

The laser Sasso is accused of using was classified by the Food and Drug Administration as a Class IIIb laser, which can cause burns, temporary blindness, and distractions, prosecutors said.

“Do you expect me to fly with this thing in my eyes?” “No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to get distracted.”

I don’t mean to suggest that shining a laser anywhere near a person’s face is ever acceptable, just that “distractions” are not a particularly potent argument to advance.

POPular Ways of Spending Money

I spend a lot of money on theatre and concert tickets, since I find those activities particularly enjoyable.

By far, the best $104 I have ever spent on the arts transpired as follows:

  1. I bought two tickets to the Boston Pops concert titled A Little Night Music, featuring the score from the Sondheim musical by the same name.  I selected tickets in the very best section of Symphony Hall: first balcony left, row A, between seats 4 and 23*.
  2. Today, June 15th, I reviewed the tickets and discovered the concert was two days ago on the 13th, despite what I put on my calendar.
  3. I carefully shredded and recycled the tickets.

Were this any other event I might have employed some Synthetic Happiness.  “I’m glad I missed that rotten concert,” I would have said.  “The music was probably terrible, and it would have wasted my time.”

This being the Boston Pops I can hardly convince myself there was so much as a mediocre musician on the stage.  Instead, I’ll settle for declaring that I enjoy giving away money.  Hence, tomorrow I will be throwing $100 bills off the roof of my apartment.  Linger on the sidewalk all day for a chance to get rich.

Blërg.

* The orchestra seats are too low to see the whole stage.  While I agree music is meant primarily to be heard and not seen, I find enjoyment in watching great musicians at their work.  The first balcony is much better, affording a view of the entire stage. 

Sitting in Row A eliminates the chance a tall man in a hat will sit in front of you.  The first three seats are in an awkward corner, but seats 4 – 23 (the first two sections) are all excellent choices.

The left side of the balcony is marginally better than the right – partly because we all know the brass and string sections are all more interesting than the percussionists (silly percussionists!) but also because Keith Lockhart (or whoever the conductor might be) will enter the stage in your view.  People on the right side of the balcony have to infer his arrival from the applause of others, thus making them feel left out.

The End of Main Street… Is Just the Beginning Again

Over Christmas I discovered the joy of traveling from Boston to Burlington by airplane, cutting the trip down to a cool 60 minutes. Then Delta Airlines terminated its contract with Big Sky Airlines, who flew the route, leaving no direct flights to Burlington in my future.

Searching for a replacement, I found flights to Rutland and Plattsburgh on Cape Air. I deemed Plattsburgh viable and started searching for easy ways to get back across the lake. One option recommended was Greyhound:

PLATTSBURGH, NY   12:25am   ADP 0297
RS EXIT 15 DENNYS, NY 02:25am 02:40am :15 ADP 0297
ALBANY, NY 03:20am     ADP 0297
ALBANY, NY Transfer 06:00am 2:40 GLI 4184
WORCESTER, MA 08:25am 08:30am :05 GLI 4184
NEWTON, MA 09:25am 09:25am   GLI 4184
BOSTON, MA 09:45am     GLI 4184
BOSTON, MA Transfer 02:45pm 5:00 GLI 9143
HANOVER, NH 04:55pm 04:55pm   GLI 9143
WHITE RIVER JCT, VT 05:05pm 05:30pm :25 GLI 9143
MONTPELIER, VT 06:25pm 06:25pm   GLI 9143
BURLINGTON, VT 07:10pm        

…

Blërg!

Growing Up Skipper

We have the 365 Amazing Trivia Facts calendar at my office, featuring a trivia question every day.  So far this year I have correctly answered two.  One was a Star Trek question.  The other asked what the word “mondegreen” means.

Today’s question read:

What was unique – and controversial – about the doll Growing Up Skipper introduced by Mattel in 1975?

Answer:

When her left arm was turned, she grew taller and developed small breasts and a narrower waistline. Her growth was reversed when her arm was turned in the opposite direction.

Sure it’s disturbing, but I bet more boys started playing with dolls in 1975 than any other year in history.