Dear Apple,

For days now you have been warning me with persistent popup messages, “The batteries in your Apple Wireless Keyboard are critically low, and the device may turn itself off at any time. Please replace the batteries as soon as possible.”

I’m hereby informing you that I have already taken standard precautionary measures against this possibility. I have an academy trained emergency battery replacement team on sixty-second standby and an independent crisis management squad ready to supervise battery replacement operations from a dedicated battery replacement command center established in a secured bunker at a geographically separate (and undisclosed) location. These precautions will be sufficient to cope with potential battery death.

I appreciated your early warning of this potential catastrophe, but since no emergency situation has arisen in the week since you first brought the possibility to my attention, I see no need for the hourly reminders. In fact, they’re extremely distracting, since I cannot continue my critical typing work until I dismiss each of them. Since the keyboard continues to be working at full keyboarding capacity, they seem superfluous.

In conclusion, kindly shut up about my keyboard batteries. You made a shoddy wireless keyboard that’s missing the entire number pad, that rearranges the function keys for absolutely no reason at all, and that eats batteries like it’s 1982. The least you can do is let me keep typing in peace. Dying batteries really don’t constitute quite the crisis situation you make them out to be.

Sincerely,

An Appl