I Believe Two Things

A colleague just returned to work today after the birth of his son. He described the process of learning what different cries mean:

It’s like learning a new language while sleep deprived and while the person teaching it to you is yelling at you.

Overheard in the office:

About-to-Retire Staff Member: Are they serving alcohol?

Conversation at work today:

Colleague:  I have stories to tell about Cleveland!
Me: Does it rock?
Colleague: It does not.

That about covers it.

I heard this angry exchange between two women as I got on the T:

First Woman: I work hard for a living!  I work (expletive) hard to make money!  Don’t you get that?

Second Woman: Look, all I’m saying is: I don’t know anybody named John.

I can’t imagine how these two could possibly have been having the same argument. It reminds me of a Louis C K routine about arguing:

I decided that I’m gonna argue with this guy, but I’m gonna argue about something else. I’m not having his argument; I’m having mine. So, he’s like, “Go!” And I go, “Well give me back my jacket!” And he stopped. I was like, “Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back! I said you could borrow it, not have it!”

(And now, as a result of this post, Google has “comedian stole my jacket” in my permanent search history.)

Overheard at Star Market yesterday:

Customer:  Do you have a paper cutter?

High School Student Clerk: (annoyed) What, like, scissors?

Although I’m disappointed in an education system that’s left a high school student unaware of what a “paper cutter” is, I should perhaps be giving her the benefit of the doubt.  Random House defines it as:

n. any device for cutting or trimming paper…

(She gave the guy some scissors, which he reluctantly accepted.)

Heard at lunch:

I think I would be a great form of torture.

Quoth a colleague:

Please keep your hands, arms, and thinking inside the box.

Said a colleague to a gathering of men in the office:

You’re not girls.  You don’t know what high school was like.

I had my teeth cleaned this morning.  I learned that my teeth are still in excellent health, but on my way out I overheard another patient getting this news:

I’d like to send a photograph of this to use in our classes, ’cause what I’m seeing here is… well, come over here and take a look.

Any condition that’s so unusual they need to show all their students while they have the chance can’t be a lot of fun.

Overheard at lunch:

I haven’t been the same since my mom gave me the dog’s arthritis medicine.