I looked at the comics page in the paper for the first time in many years, and immediately saw today’s Non Sequitur.
Cooties Research Lab. Unauthorized personnel subject to noogies.
For the record, I already made that joke.
As part of my ongoing Christmas travel planning, I’m exploring rental cars.
My credit card has an apparently common feature where they’ll insure any car rented using the card. I can forgo the rental company’s insurance, theoretically assuming financial responsibility myself, but really falling back on the credit card if I’m in an accident.
I wanted to be sure I fully understood the terms and conditions, so I read the booklet that came with the card thoroughly. It includes this passage:
Exclusions. Coverage does not apply to Loss resulting from the following:
- Any dishonest, fraudulent or criminal act of the Insured.
- Forgery by the Insured.
- Loss due to war or confiscation by authorities.
- Loss due to nuclear reaction or radioactive contamination.
- …
Wow. That list went downhill really fast. The bits about fraud and forgery I expected, but then already in the third and fourth items we’ve slipped into war and nuclear reactions!
I admit I’m also struggling to envision what sort of nuclear reaction would damage the car, but would leave the driver intact and liable for the damage.
Netflix offers this summary of the film Journey to the Center of the Earth (emphasis mine):
Science professor Trevor (Brendan Fraser) has become the laughingstock of the academic community thanks to his outrageous theories. While on a trip to Iceland, Trevor, his nephew Sean (Josh Hutcherson) and their guide Hannah (Anita Briem) find themselves at the center of the planet, having discovered a whole world within our world. Adapted from the Jules Verne fantasy novel, this film (presented in 2D) marks the directorial debut of Eric Brevig.
Everybody knows the Earth is flat. Why would you need more than two dimensions to tell a story about it?
Besides, I never settle for anything less than 4D when I watch movies at home.
After clicking “Buy it Now” on an eBay item, I got this message:
Congrats, you just bought this item.
Are we using the word “congrats” now?
I recently prepared a box of Pasta Roni, which involved stirring together the pasta, 1½ cups water, ¾ cups milk, and 2 tablespoons “margarine, butter, or spread with no trans fat” in its preparation. This is routine and uninteresting.
Then I noticed smaller lettering beneath the directions (verbatim and unabridged, but with my emphasis):
To Prepare Two Boxes: Follow Range Top Directions, except prepare 2 boxes of PASTA RONI® Four Cheese Flavor with Corkscrew Pasta in a 3-quart saucepan with 3 cups water, 1½ cups milk and 4 tablespoons margarine, butter or spread with no trans fat.
Go ahead – go back and do the math. Take your time. You’ll discover, as I did, that the sole purpose of that sentence is to tell you to double the ingredients you use when making double the amount. No. Strike that. The sole purpose of that sentence is to tell you that 2 × ¾ = 1½, that 2 × 2 = 4, and that 2 × 1½ = 3.
It has apparently fallen to the Quaker Oats Company (which makes Pasta Roni) to teach adults in the United States how to double fractions. Even if you’re incapable of doing the math, couldn’t you just measure out 1½ cups, pour it into the pot, and then measure out another 1½ cups?
From the Boston Municipal Code, 16-12.14:
No person shall in or about any part of the streets, parks, public grounds, public buildings, or other public places discharge without permission of every person who would be struck, or the owners of property which would be struck, as the case may be, as result of such discharge any toy, amusement or novelty product fitted to propel, by compressed air or gas, any substance primarily intended for amusement or decoration, in the nature of “liquid string,” so-called.
In other words, we have a law against shooting people with Silly String in public unless they’ve given express permission in advance.
I’d like to point out two important loopholes. First, on private property I can shoot you with Silly String whether you permit me or not. The law applies necessarily only to public property. Second, I can also shoot you with some other substance as long as I’m confident no court would consider it amusing or decorative.
Some others that I enjoy:
I want that first one on a tee shirt.
I was researching a particular fact about DNS in Wikipedia, when I stumbled on this sentence:
In the United States, the “Truth in Domain Names Act” (actually the “Anticybersquatting Consumer Protection Act”), in combination with the PROTECT Act, forbids the use of a misleading domain name with the intention of attracting people into viewing a visual depiction of sexually explicit conduct on the Internet.
Those first two links look good, but I have a bad feeling about that last one. It turns out to link merely to the article on “Internet pornography,” which contains an image at the top with the cutline (I swear I am not making this up), “An example of a pornographic website.”
Anything in the name of research, I guess.
Someone on “Yahoo! Answers” (as if Yahoo weren’t already completely obsolete) asked:
[I] purchesed (sic) a domain from 1&1, got the confirmation e-mail and everything. Well it says the status of my domain is “Domain registration is being requested” What exactly does that mean?…
Here, in its entirety, is the answer marked “Best Answer – Chosen by Voters” having earned three votes:
i dnt even know what a domain is. or what 1&1 is. sorry.
Nothing I could possibly say could embellish that statement in any way, so I’ll just leave it there to burn through your eyes to the back of your brain and haunt your nightmares. I, masochist that I am, went on to read her profile:
i love volleyball basketball softball track cheerleading!!! my besties amanda meagan haley heide and kenzie are tha bestest besties. [emphasis mine] i luvv em so much. i love candy. but i like being healthy. my favorite drink is a shirly temple or dr pepper with a lemon squeez! so delish!!! im very talkative outgoing funny and fun to be around. yeup i dnt wanna brag or sound conceited to ill just stop. but thats all about me!!! tooooooodlesss!!!
Paraphrasing Josh Lyman: It’s “tha bestest besties” that makes it art.
Which of the following seems stranger?
(Yes, there was really a copy on board. No, the airline had not just generously provided it.)
From the Frequently Asked Questions on BU’s Hillel website:
Q: So, is there Kosher food available at Hillel?
Did somebody miss a meeting or something?
